Thursday, November 30, 2006

I'm in love and he's GREAT!




Ok, so it's not love ...I forgot to take my eye make-up off before showering ...So in turn I figured why waste such an opportunity for a tasteless joke ...Umm.


Hello? Is this thing on?

Sidenote: Only 23 days left to purchase an Amazing Amanda doll for a loved one ...Or Toys For Tots ...or yourself ...C'mon, w/ those damn American Girl dolls, competition is fierce. Get on that.

Monday, November 20, 2006

VHS, dead @ 30 & Things You Can't Tell From Looking @ Her: A Brainstorm

First things first, a moment of silence: VHS, 30, dies of loneliness

A compilation of equally evasive and self-indulgent facts about me:

Side A:
-I won the coveted "Art Award" @ Chippawassee Elementary, 1st-4th grade (Such awards were then discontinued in an effort to boost kids' self-esteem and the "warm fuzzy" program took it's place)
-There's a 99.99% chance I'll love any song w/ handclaps (Which makes Earth Wind & Fire's "September" one of the best songs ...period)
-Played violin 4th-10th grade, picked up the cello in 8th grade (I broke my violin's sound post in an effort to get out of my last recital)
-I've had goldfish w/ the following names: Beethoven, Mervin "Clinger" (due to an unfortunate defecation issue), Yuban and Serpico
-Ringo Starr & His All-Star Band was my first-ever concert (Not counting Muppets On Ice)
-Born in Exeter, New Hampshire
-First kiss inspired by a scene from Goonies (I think I was 9)
-I'm a published writer (including two poems ..Damn you teen angst)
-Born w/ a cleft lip and palate
-I own every issue of Oprah's O Magazine
-Richard Dreyfuss's character in "The Goodbye Girl" will forever be my ideal man (Actually, Richard Dreyfuss era 73-78, period)
-Fred from Scooby-Doo was my first love
-As a child, inspired by Disney's Sleeping Beauty, I used to stand outside by the bird feeder and sing ..in hopes that a bird would sit on my shoulder.
-Natural blonde, starting dying my hair black 7 yrs. ago
-I have two uvulas
-Freshly washed pillowcases always turn my frown upside down
-I have a cinnamon obsession
-I do crosswords w/ a pen
-I moved to Chicago on my birthday, September 1st 2002
-I can still recall a dream I had when I was 4, involving killer robots invading my house ..I tripped over a robot tentacle and woke up
-I've never smoked pot
-I once took a 2 hr. cab ride to Detroit w/ a Jehovah's Witness cab driver (who peppered his conversations with "My ex wife is a whore!")

Side B:
-I prefer weekdays to weekends
-My painting career is on hiatus
-I prefer weekdays to weekends
-I've written 3 short films, filmed two (and not of the Paris Hilton variety)
-I'm a certified nutritional consultant
-I like to sleep w/ one sock on, one sock off
-I played t-ball for one season in the 1st grade
-I watch Good Morning America, every morning
-"Ball" was my first word
-I was a member of a jump roping team, Jump For Heart, in 4th grade.
-I've had over 7 surgeries and I've never broken a bone
-I floss my teeth up to three times daily
-I've never had a driver's license and do not know how to drive (And obviously have never owned a car).
-Warren G. Harding, the 29th President of the United States, is a distant, non-blood relative (He's also deemed one of the US's "least successful" and "worst" presidents).
-In 7th grade I was John Lennon for Halloween
-I could beat you @ Scrabble
-I can speak some Spanish, a little German, even less French, a smidge of Italian and absolutely no Japanese
-I watch Bears games
-Clam chowder was my favorite food as a child
-I'm a great swimmer
-I was never a Girl Scout or Brownie but I was a member of Camp Fire (briefly)
-I eat sandwiches with a knife and fork
-I was in tap dance classes from age 3-12
-I've watched Silence of the Lambs over 200+ times
-I talk a lot when I'm nervous, tired and/or trying to pass time (Hmm, I'm sure people know that)
-I have MacGyver-like powers
-I actually liked Brown Bunny

Bonus tracks:
-I'm the daughter of a former Dow Chemical welder/pipe-fitter turned major power plant inspector and a phlebotomist/aerobics instructor/all-around amazing woman
-I was a self-professed "dog person" before moving to Chicago
-My first job @ age 16 was a catering waitress @ a large hotel (I in turn have attended many high school reunions, award ceremonies, weddings, business meetings/events & company holiday parties ...Note: Chubby/"roomy' brides always wear tiaras and the class of '72 high school cliques still exist)
-I'm a longtime vegetarian turned vegan
-Nail polish and earrings make me feel overdressed
-I fell victim to an unfortunate perm in 3rd grade
-My favorite fruit is pumpkin followed closely by cantaloupe
-I'm horrible @ keeping surprises

Hidden Track:
-In the 2nd grade I attended a birthday party for Jay (the "cutest" boy in the entire 2nd grade) wearing a hot pink Rude Dog t-shirt, black fishnets underneath black spandex capri pants and jelly shoes ...Years later I found out he was Mormon
-I have all of the Beatles' UK/US album release dates dictated to memory

...You now know a handful of trivial tidbits about me ...Please don't forget a No.2 pencil is required for the test.

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Feathered Friends, Feathered Hair & a Hotel on Marvin's Garden

On Tuesday, I had my first work review (Prognosis? Good w/ stellar attendance) and was given a 47 cent raise. Later that evening, Michael and I played a game of Monopoly and I bought a hotel on Illinois Avenue ..I'm movin' up.

Also, on Tuesday, Danielle, Carrisa and I were in the clinic when the topic of birds came up (That's right, I don't stray from controversial subjects ..Next week: My fear of that film that forms when you leave pudding out for too long) Both Danielle and Carrisa admitted to a fear of birds ..So after we clocked out for the night, Dana and I were walking out of work and what do you think was perched upon the front railing? A very odd looking pigeon or what could only be a very distant relative. He/she sat there calmly ..A dog went by, the bird didn't even bat an eyelash on it's beady little bird eye. We stood less than a foot away from him/her ..Nothing. A woman walked by and followed our glances towards the mass of feathers "Aww, doesn't SOMEONE look cold," she said without stopping ..Which makes little to no sense ..Especially considering the bird was a little smaller than a Nerf football and to be honest he/she looked warmer than I did ..Dana reached for a stick and did what any rational SARS fearin' person would do, started to pet him/her. Still, the bird didn't budge ..He/she just sat there, starring @ us, burrowing his/her unusually long beak into his/her black/white speckled plumpness.

Enter the moral dilemma, magnified by working @ a no-kill shelter ..Dana and I were beginning to think that this bird was possibly someone's lost pet ..Either way, he/she wasn't talking. Finally, Dana tracked down the phone number of coworker/bird aficionado Vicki but there was no answer. Dana and I then spent the next 5 or 10 minutes reassuring ourselves that we've done what we could, that we're being silly, etc. I took a step, then Dana took a step and with that we said "g'night" to the bird and walked towards the trains. (I later attempted to Google bird types and came up with a lot of ebay postings).

I'm sure given the proper effects, plot twists and perfectly Asian cast, this story could prove obscurely poignant and life-affirming. "It was a cold Chicago fall evening, daylight had settled in hours before and there sat a feathered reminder of life..s unwavering beauty in a cruel world" It's obvious to anyone this bird was taking a stand for stem cell research or was a victim of unrequited love ..or hated trees ..And if only I was serious while typing this, I could be both crazy and avant garde ..Instead of being desperate for an excuse to not get ready for work.

In unrelated news, I've been trying to imagine myself watching "Working Girl," in 1988 and not being alarmed by Joan Cusack's hair.


Photo Credit: movieactors.com

Monday, November 13, 2006

My Remote Voyage on a Friday Night: Thank God It’s Funny …NOT

Do you remember ABC's TGIF programming in the late 80s/early 90s? Perfect Strangers, Full House, Mr. Belvedere, Just The Ten Of Us, Family Ties, Step By Step, Boy Meets World

..Well, all of those shows can now be found on Nick @ Night ..Along with Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, which was my Monday night staple. (Until Calrton went alpha-male and started carrying a gun for self defense after Will was shot during an ATM robbery and near the end of the show..s run Phil and Vivian contemplated divorce ..Or whenever any show brings baby into the mix for a ratings boost)

..Nowadays, such blocks of quality television come Friday night are a thing of the past.

This past Friday, my first Friday off under my new work schedule, I found myself sitting on the sofa, channel surfing ..reminiscing of the TGIF of yester-year.

Ch. 5 NBC: You can only watch NBC Dateline's hot new game show "To Catch A Predator" so many times ..Though, this past Friday's installment featured an active duty army soldier who showed up under the impression he was there to meet a 13 yr. old girl ..Later on, during his police interview he explained "If only I had used my sixth sense that kept me alive in Iraq" ..Sixth sense, indeed.

Ch. 64 A&E: I was hoping for a true-life murder mystery episode from such A&E greats City Confidential, Cold Case Files or The First 48 ..But no, instead, A&E was featuring an in-depth report on psychic children. The greatest thing about this 2 hr. special was that there wasn't even a hint of opposition ..The argument on whether or not psychic children exist or not wasn't up for debate ..In order to watch this program you must concede that psychic children are real and who on Earth would think anything else!? One part that caught my attention was the description of "crystal (psychic) children" who are a step below "Indigo children" ...One of the doctors interviewed explained "Crystal children normally do not develop speech @ a normal age and can remain silent during the early stages of growth" ..Which leads me to believe that all "crystal children" are really just a form of aura-seeing autistics.

Ch. 70 Food Network: "Sandra Lee's Semi-Homemade" host Sandra Lee is like a southern tongued Martha Stewart meets Stepford Wife meets your local grocer's canned goods section. The premise of Sandra Lee's 30-minute show is that you can cook a gourmet quality meal with the use of prepackaged food fare. This past Friday was Sandra Lee's annual semi-homemade Thanksgiving ..She was preparing a frozen turkey w/ "herbed" butter (dried herbs mashed w/ two stick of land-O-Lakes butter) when she peered out of her set's REAL window (Ooo) to her make believe backyard ..Real turkeys were walking around and as she walked to her fake sink and looked out about her sod-laden/falsely lit/wild turkey grazing yard she remarked with a fevered glee "Aren't they just so cute!? They're so gorgeous ..I almost feel guilty ..But they're so delicious!" Later on, as she pulled her bird from the oven and started draining the pan drippings she remarked "Whaddya think? Pretty good for a girl, huh?" ...Sandra Lee, I don't think anyone is questioning your femininity ..Especially with your elaborate "table-scapes." Her Italian friend (his name escapes me but I'll over generalize and call him Mario) then came out to share a quick Thanksgiving cocktail recipe ..He's from IT-A-LY.. and like a true UN Ambassador she (slowly) told her IT-AL-IAN friend "WE welcome YOU to OUR country and it's a J-OY to have YOU here"

Ch. 71 E!: According to E! True Hollywood Story, south-side Chicago's very own Jenny McCarthy suffered from bed wetting throughout her youth ..THS then went on for about 10 minutes about the pain of bed-wetting and how Jenny persevered.

After watching the TV Guide channel's listings roll by countless times ..I retired my remote and opted to call my Mom.

Mom: "So what happened with the elections?'
Me: "The Democrats have taken over the Senate and the House"
Mom: "Ooo speaking of voting did you see that Joey Lawrence was voted off Dancing With the Stars? I really thought he had a chance! I think that gay Mario Lopez is going to win"

Me: "So then ..."
Mom; "Ooo, I'm sorry to interrupt Mandy but ..what do you think really happened to Anna Nicole's son?"

My Mom told me about a blind date she went on, this past week, with a man who travels the world game hunting. I guess mid-way through dinner he reached in his coat pocket and took out photos of all of his kills. Who carries such photos? (I'll answer my own question and say those who travel the world killing animals, mounting their heads and will never get a second date with my Mom). My Mom will forever mourn the fact that Tom Selleck is happily married. As Carrie Fischer's character in When Harry Met Sally said "Tell me I'll never have to be out there again"

I'll wrap this up with a couple of updates:

-My computer no longer talks ..Open Apple F5 ..Ah, sweet silence!
-Primo started PZI insulin, yesterday and has been vomiting all over the apartment .. Reason ..635, Why I Hate Carpet: Cat Vomit.

Friday, November 10, 2006

Hello Treehouse, Risotto For Breakfast, Furry Carpet & SIR Primo's Broken Pancreas



This is my living room on a good day ..Now picture patches of white fur scattered all over the (hideous) blue carpet (Reason No. 402 why I hate carpet).

I've started a new schedule @ work which no longer includes Fridays ..However, I did have to go in @ 12Noon for a belated phone training session. I can now answer the phone @ work ...How exciting.

I woke up @ 830AM, showered and had to be out the door by 1130AM ..I was out of my usual high fiber cereal (Mmm fiber) and with the clock ticking had no time to run to the grocery store -So I had a Seeds of Change frozen "entrée" ..As one would have guessed mushroom risotto, coffee and 9AM do not mix.

After my phone training, I had to rush home in time to stop by the cats' vet and pick up their dry food. Due to Primo's diabetes, he's on a DM (diabetic maintenance) diet ..And since it'd be near impossible to separate Primo's DM from Lola and Milo's other dry food ..They're all on DM and I can only get it through my vet (How ..convenient). The cats were all but out of dry food this morning due to a certain SOMEONE forgetting to tell me they were running low. Hence Primo's mood and his need to terrorize Lola ..which resulted in the tuffs of white fur all over my living room floor.

Primo has a vet appointment tomorrow and will be switching to PZI insulin ..Which is a bit stressful. Stressful not only because he'll have to be monitored more closely but since his vet is slowly inching towards retirement he has a stand-in vet ..And she drives me nuts. She's nice and all but she's awfully condescending and continuously refers to Primo as "SIR" (It's true, she speaks in CAPS)

The last time Primo was @ the vet for a fructosamine test , they took him away for a blood draw and Michael and I could hear Primo freaking out and the vet trying to calm him down ..We counted 17 "SIR"s that day. 'You need to calm down, SIR," "SIR, calm down," "SIR this isn't helping" and "We need you to sit still, SIR" ..A combination of that and the high frequency lighting made me want to scream. I wish they would let me hold for the blood draw.

And that concludes my cat portion of this entry ..I need to vacuum. I knew it was only a matter of time before I blogged about my cats ..And casually used the term "blogged"

I might as well take this a step further and post a photo of SIR Primo, who I wake up to every morning.

Wednesday, November 8, 2006

Ok G5 Computer, One Way Conversation w/ Bill Clinton, Simon Says Walgreen’s & Voting

Tuesday, Nov. 7th @ 1130AM

I've often said that I'm glad my cats can't talk ..I'm not sure if I want to know what they'd have to say. I can now say the same goes for my computer ..It's talking ..and it appears to have a speech impediment to boot ..And I really don't care what it has to say.

My cats have the run of the roost ..Sofa, chairs, beds, a cat tree, tables ..Milo turns his bologna colored nose to it all ..He prefers bookshelves and my keyboard. At first I laughed it off ..I found his love for computers and art amusing. ("No Milo, let's keep that painting on the wall" "Milo, quit renaming my desktop folders 777777777------------999999990000000999999999999dghhhhhhhh") I have no clue what he's done now and I think a call to Apple Tech support will be comin' down the pike. Every page I open, every file, every time a message is received, every time my screensaver comes on ..My computer tells me. Every letter typed, my computer lets me know ..And I have no idea how to shut it off. Ooo and the stuttering! "Safari ..Open ..Safari ..Safari ..Safari ..Safari ..Open ..Open" ..Forget listening to my iTunes, everything sounds like "Fitter, happier" .... Who knew Lucero did a split with Radiohead.

A very robotic Bill Clinton called me yesterday "Hi this is Bill Clinton ..Rod Blagojevich has done some amazing things for the state of Illinois" ...blah blah blah ..I couldn't get a word in edge wise. Clinton just kept going on and on about Rod Blagojevich ..Rod this, Rod that and why I should vote for Rod come Nov. 7th. Bill Clinton then wished me "a nice day" and a 'better tomorrow for Illinois" and before I could say "Thanks for calling, Bill," he hung up.

Something I wish I could have done, while calling in Primo's syringes, yesterday. This happens every time I have to renew his prescription. I call bright and early, a few days before he'll be out and without fail the vet takes his sweet time faxing back the approval form. Primo has enough to get through his two shots today ..I need to call the vet before I head off to work.

"Thank you for calling Walgreen's, for the pharmacy press 1

Thank you for calling the Walgreens.. Pharmacy, for pharmacy hours press 1, to refill a prescription press 2

Please enter your prescription number, including the last 5 digits

If this number is correct, please press 1

Please wait while we process your prescription. This prescription will need your doctor..s approval. To continue with your prescription order please press 1

To pick up tomorrow please press 1, to pick up today, please press 2

Please enter the time you would like to pick up your prescription. Hours are indicated by the first number and minutes the last two numbers. Then press ...

This number is incorrect, hours are indicated by the first number and the minutes the last two numbers. Then press pound.

For AM press 1, for PM press 2

Thank you, doctor pending, your prescription will be ready by 7-0-0-P-M

Our records indicate that we can reach you @ 555-555-5555

If this is correct press 1, to change contact number press 2

If you have completed your prescription, press 1. If you would like to start over, press 2.

For comments, press 1, for customer assistance press 2

Please rate this call. 1 being poor and 9 for excellent.

To order another prescription, please press 1.

You have earned x80,000 life points and 8000 gold coins. To proceed to level 8, press 1. To save Princess Toadstool, press 2. To slay the Double Dragon, press 3. To start over press 4.

Thank you for choosing Walgreen's and have a nice day. Please press .. to end this call."

There's been an extreme makeover @ my local Dominick's grocery store ..Aside from blindingly shiny fruit stacked in a manner that would rival the Egyptians -They've added aisles, an expanded (allergy inducing) floral department and overall more variety ..Plus, the parking lot looks like a used car dealership w/ streamers and balloons. Most notably, Dominick's now has sample stations ..Yesterday, an overly enthusiastic Dominick's employee tried to con me into a chunk of pineapple ..on a toothpick. Mmm, Safeway pineapple ..How exotic. I guess a toothpick adds that extra touch of class ..This Dominick pineapple peddler treated me as though this was the 1950s and pineapple only came in canned rings. "But it's FREE! It's PINEAPPLE!"

Well, it's time to wait in the voting bread line.

Update: I voted.

Marshall might find this amusing:

Me: Hi, I'd just like a medium black coffee.
Barista: Medium black?
Me: Yep, medium black.
Barista: Ok [I pay and she pours the coffee ..Hands it to me]
Me: Thanks, have a nice day.
Barista: I didn't know how much cream you wanted but there's cream over there [points].

Wednesday, November 1, 2006

I now come in ethnic and es spaniol

The Amazing Amanda Doll
Unbeknownst to me, I'm this year's hottest holiday gift for ages 4 and up!

The Amazing Amanda doll is truly a cut above the rest. Take in consideration the Amazing Amanda doll's likeness to my own amazing self:

Youth

Aside from the physical resemblence ...We'd be a match on eharmony.com and all 29 levels of compatibility. While reading Amazing Amanda's description I couldn't help but point to myself, nodding, mouth agape ...It's uncanny!

According to walmart.com, The Amazing Amanda doll can:

-Recognize her "mommy's" voice
-She also recognizes objects such as her outfits, toothbrush, sippy cup, various foods and her potty (Eerie! ...I know a various foods when I see it)
-She expresses real emotions, such as smiling when happy or pouting when told 'no'
-She engages in two-way communication with realistic facial expressions and toddler-speak (which I have a bellyfeel is a lot like the Orwellian Newspeak)
-She can go "potty" and can even be used to promote potty training (I'm a longtime advocate for proper potty usage ...I take a stand ...err seat ...and potty for those that can't!)
-She keeps track of date and time, and offers reminders of upcoming holidays (Why, just the other day I was telling everyone that October is National Clergy Appreciation Month and don't forget Nov. 13-21 is Bladder Health Week ...which ties into my potty awareness!)
-She has an internal clock which can be used as a lovable alarm clock, and may help establish a normal sleeping and waking schedule for your child (I've often thought of myself as both lovable and alarming)
-Requires four "C" batteries (not included)

The Amazing Amanda doll also can say phrases like "I love you more than bunnies" and "You don't sound like my Mommy." ..Holy moly, I DO love you more than bunnies and quit trying to sound like my Mommy, STRANGER!

The Amazing Amanda doll buzz has reached the masses and boy o boy are they just as excited as I am!

Melony, an illiterate parent posted on apparenting.com:

"I think amazing amanda will be great for my doughter she is asking for it allready! but one thing I haven't yet found out: does the doll sleep?"

Melony goes on to ask: "is their any way to know if the voice bothers people?"

More postings about the Amazing Amanda doll, on apparenting.com:

"This doll is sick, the first time I saw the commercial I wanted to reach through the television set and smack the doll silly....I am half tempted to purchase the doll so I may knock some sense into it!" -Sandy, an obvious doll-aggressor

"does amazing amanda go to the tolite" -Lucy (who I think is related to Melony)

"I think she is a wonderful doll, she tells the little girl when she has to potty and she puts her on the potty, she goes. She says when she is hungry, and asks for food etc. We got my 11 year old daughter for her birthday because she asked for it. It was expensive but the whole family went together to get it for her. I think it teaches little girls how to be good parents, and BELIEVE me women today (some of them) have some poor parenting skills (no offense to those of us who are good).
What I wanted to know is if anyone has this doll, does she make a weird computer noise for you like she is malfunctioning? We just put the batteries in yesterday not even 24 hours ago and she is already acting like she is dying?" -Ellen (nicely put Ellen)

"My daughter got the doll for Christmas and she annoying i had to reset her 3 times. My daughter does not seem to like her she want me to turn her off. She talks like she has an attitude. At first i was all for the doll, now I'm ready to throw her out" -Kendra, who doesn't take any 'tude from any doll

"Granddaughter found her frustrating and did not want to take her home when she kept saying "you don't sound like my mommy" -Anonymous

"she is like a evil monster i can't shut her off. i can't put her to sleep either" -Anonymous (Sandy, is that you?)

So you see, dreams really do come true ...I finally have my own doll and she's "amazing" ...Ooo, sorry to cut this short -Time for potty!