Sunday, April 29, 2007

Achoo!: How I Learned To Stop Worrying + Love The Snot Bomb

Friday, redline -southbound:

Two little girls, braids + barrettes, seated behind me -Their Mother (reading a copy of the Red Eye + chatting on her cellphone] seated across the aisle from me.

Girl #1: "I can see a playground! A School! Wow, a playground! I can see houses! What I'd give to live over here! I can see stairs ...millions of them! Wow, I can see trains move! I see people! I see leaves, different colors! Wow! ...What do you see?"
Girl #2: "I see people!"
Girl #1: "Wow, looking at people to look at! Hey, where'd you see that Dunkin' Donuts?"
Girl #2: "Ova here!"
Girl #1: "Wow! Dunkin Donuts fish sticks! ...Dunkin' Donuts fish sticks!"
[Girl #1 repeats "Dunkin Donuts fish sticks" x10, in a sing-songy pattern]
Mom: "Hush now, you're talkin' too loud! Sit down!"
Girl #1: "Dunkin' Donuts fish sticks, people! Dunkin' Donuts fish sticks, a big train! Dunkin' Donuts fish sticks, I can see the world! Dunkin' Donuts fish sticks!"
Mom: "You're too loud!"
Girl #1: "Dunkin' Donuts fish sticks, Dunkin' Donuts fish sticks, Dunkin' Donuts fish sticks, what did I say? Dunkin' Donuts fish sticks! Hear what I say? Dunkin' Donuts fish sticks!"

Even Diana Ross had to start somewhere.
_____________

Danger Mike pointed this out to me at work:



The latter reads "Kosher for Passover," you needn't adjust your screens and/or glasses ...I just couldn't get the right focus but you get the idea.

To be honest, I'm under the influence of Dayquil + Airbourne so it sort of looked that way to me.

Thursday, April 26, 2007

For Vanity's Sake + A Box Of Bla

10AM, Dominick's grocery, me w/ my wheeley-cart cutting up an aisle to the check-out lanes.

[Indian woman, black hair w/ a sploch ..Yes, sploch ...of gray smack-dab ...Yes, smack-dab ...at the crown, looking at hair dye with a confused expression and blocking my way]

Me: [nudging my cart] "Excuse me, sorry ...Excuse me? ...Sorry?"
Woman: [thumbing boxes of blonde highlights]
Me: "Hello?"
Woman: [looks over at me]
Me: "Hi" [nudging cart] "I'm sorry, excuse me"
Woman: [continues to browse the glossy boxes of hair dye]
[Mental note: I'm trying this one more time ...If she's going to dye her hair blonde, she's going to need something a lot stronger than Clairol's "champagne dream" blonde]
Me: "Hello ...Excuse me?" [nudge, nudge]
Woman: "Yes hi, you help me"
Me: "What?"
Woman: "Where bla? "
Me: "Oo ...Um, bla? Black?"
Woman: "Yes, bla. I can't find it. I want this kind of box"
Me: "Black?"
Woman: [stare]
Me: [tugging at my own hair] "Black?"
Woman: "Yes! But I want this box"
Me: "Oo, well that's not black ...Here, this right here is black, like mine."
Woman: "But I want this box."
Me: "Yes, it's the same box but it's black, you want black. Look, this one down here is on sale $6.99, it's black too"
Woman: [stare, grabs box] "Like yours?"
Me: "Yes"
Woman: "I don't know"
Me: "It's a good brand"
Woman: [stare]
Me: "It's a good box"
Woman: [walks off w/ box and finally moves cart]
Me: [looks back in her direction] " ...Bye?"

In other news, I now have a camera of my very own, thanks to my dear friend Lisa (thank you, thank you, thank you)

Monday, April 23, 2007

Jane Austen Doesn't Live Here No More: For Those of You Who Want To Start A Book Club ...

The Department of The Treasury has a few suggestions ...

[The following titles are from a mini-flyer included alongside my federal tax return]

"Order some of our best sellers!"

-Federal Benefits for Veterans and Dependents, 2007
-A Healthier You: Based On The Dietary Guidelines For Americans
-Welcome to the United States: A Guide For New Immigrants
-Occupational Outlook Handbook, 2006-2007
-United States Senate Catalogue of Graphic Art

[in fine print] "If you have any questions, do NOT contact the Treasury Dept."

Benefits, diet, immigration, occupations and ...graphic art. The Department of The Treasury has all your bases covered ...And unlike Oprah and various other book clubs, they don't want to hear your imput. No essays, no journaling, no "reader of the week".

Note: I actually did a little research on Oprah's book club and came across one of the many membership benefits ..."O's Reader of the Week" and in turn a new goal has been born. I'm half tempted to join O's book club and work hard towards becoming a "Reader of the Week," just like Sherri!

I could have my own Q&A ...I've always wanted my own Q&A and to share my "lightblub moment" with fellow O readers everywhere!

I'm making my pledge today that I will be one of Oprah's "Readers of the Week" and I will milk my Q&A for all that it is worth ...That said, I hope that next month's selection isn't the Odyssey.

Ok, let me try this again: I'm making my pledge today that I will be one of Oprah's "Readers of the Week," unless that involves the Odyssey ...In that case, I'm ordering my copy of "Welcome to the United States: A Guide For New Immigrants".

Which I just so happened to find a PDF link to and after a little browsing (Ok, skimming), I present to you my Q&A on "Welcome to the United States: A Guide For New Immigrants" for the Department of The Treasury a la Oprah's Book Club, if the Department of The Treasury indeed had a "Reader of the Week" (Still with me? Good).

Q. How did you do it?

A. First, I should point out that I believe I'm the only member of the DTT book club, that said I'm tickled to be chosen as the "Reader of the Week". Aside from a few art awards in grade school and a few medals during my brief t-ball career (which I later found out everyone recieved), I've never really won much of anything so this is a true honor and I will not take this title lightly. So how did I do it? Well, I'd like to thank my dear friend Lisa for helping me with my taxes this year. I should also mention my other dear friend, Google for finding the PDF of "Welcome to the United States ...".

Q. How did the book affect you?

A. Well, the glare of my computer screen, a few pages in, started to bother my eyes a bit but other than that I was ok. I found the first section warning me that as an immigrant there are many "dishonest" people in the world that set up fake government websites to confuse and take advantage of me. I will never again be fooled by hotasiancumsluts.gov or winalottamoney.gov. The chapter on how to use 911 was very informative and I now know to never call 911 in order to "find out if someone is in jail".

Q. Did you have a "lightbulb moment" reading the book?

A. I did and fortunately for me it was a 60 watt soft white light energy saving replacement bulb that only uses 13 watts and will last up to 7 yrs. (if I only use it 3 hrs. a day). That's 8,000 hours! I'd have to say that's a lot of moments.

Q. Would you recommend this book?

A. Of course, I'm thinking of setting up a kiosk at O'Hare, but don't worry I'll make sure no one contacts the Dept. of the Treasury.

Q. Describe this DTT pick in five words or less.

A. Insightful book about parental advisory. Oo wait, that's Sheri's answer. Umm ...Mimi haja usingizi sahihi sasa.

Q. How pretentious do you find the "The" in front of Treasury?

A. Very.

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

White Skirts + Dwarf TKO

First things first, a twist ...A book review, if you will.

Yesterday, on the train en route to work:

[Two girls, sitting behind me]

Girl #1: "Yeah so I read the 'Zodiac' and that book messed with my mind!"
Girl #2: "For real?"
[Inaudible banter. Something about "questioning being," not sure]
Girl #1: "That book made me feel like I was on my fuckin' rag, wearing a white skirt."

[I can only assume that she's talking about "Zodiac," by Robert Graysmith, which I read years ago ...I don't really remember the rag/white skirt feeling but then again, everyone's a critic].
_____________

Reason No. 628 why I will always adore Lexi:

Lexi: "I keep missing you!"
Me: "I keep missing you!"
Lexi: "I was this close to selling fruit at intersections!"
_____________

And now, a special report:

I'm a big fan of the taskbar/dock. While coasting along the internet super highway (Remember that term?), I'll come across newsy tidbits (articles, editorials, to-dos/how-tos, recipes) which I'll want to read but for some reason or another I opt to save for a later date. Bookmark? Psh! I just store it on my taskbar/dock and hope that my Safari doesn't close (Or most recently, Princess Milo doesn't tinker around online, looking for Liberace photos).

This morning, coffee in hand, NPR playing in the kitchen, I sat at my desk, flicked on my computer screen and noticed a handful of documents/pages awaiting me.

This American Life's homepage, a soup recipe I've been meaning to jot down (fire roasted corn -could be tasty + help me overcome my fear of corn), the latest editorial on Gaper's Block, Myspace (fancy that), a human height chapter on Wikipedia, Little People of America's homepage, an IMDb bio on John Oates and another Wikipedia chapter on "midgets".

First, the argument: John Oates, of Hall & Oates fame, while short in stature, is not legally a "midget" and/or [the more PC] "little person".

Sure the hints/clues are there, he supposedly (allegedly) needed the help of his own mini-stage during the Hall & Oates Live Aid '85 performance (I have yet to find this footage). And yes, on most if not all Hall & Oates' album covers Daryl Hall can be seen leaning into his shorter counterpart. It should be noted that Hall (please excuse the rhyme) is well rather, somewhat freakishly (But not in the Joey Ramone sort of way) tall, coming in at 6'1" (his feathered coif, popular throughout the 80s, coming in at at least 3 or 4" -At least!). Plus, there's the questionable track off of Hall & Oates' 1984 release "Big Bam Boom," entitled "Dance On Your Knees".

According to the Little People of America's (LPA) website, the term "midget," while in some circles refers to a "proportionate dwarf," is often frowned upon and in turn "dwarf" and "little person" are safer alternatives.

The average height of a dwarf and/or LP is 4' but can range between 2'8"-4'8". Dwarfism, is deemed both a medical and genetic condition (the term also includes plants and animals). The overall "legal" height for a dwarf cuts off at 4'10".

With that knowledge at hand, according to IMDb's bio on John Oates, Oates stands at a height of 5'5", well-above dwarf status though short (considering the average male height of 5'10"). That alone disputes any "That Oates from Hall & Oates is a mustachioed midget with a mullet of pubes" argument (Though the jury is still out on the "mustachioed/mullet of pubes" bit ...I'm just writing on height, today, sorry).

There's much debate on whether or not dwarfism could be considered a disability. The LPA site responds to such a debate, "Certainly many short-statured people could be considered disabled as a result of conditions, mainly orthopedic, related to their type of dwarfism. In addition, access issues and problems exist even for healthy LPs. Consider, for example, the simple fact that most achondroplastic adults cannot reach an automated teller machine. "

Wikipedia's section on dwarfism also touches on the possible problems and/or disabilities associated with dwarfism, listing "social prejudice," "reduced social, employment and marital opportunities," and overall self-esteem issues.

Through all of my LP reading, I have yet to come across anything that states any reduction on rocking hard and/or making Sara smile. Which means that while Oates may legally be a dwarf, while sitting, that by no means has any effect on the man's craft.

In conclusion, mustachioed? A mullet of pubes? A victim of a taller bandmate? Possibly. John Oates, a "midget," dwarf and/or LP? I can't go for that, no can do and neither should you.

Wednesday, April 4, 2007

Gonna Look In Every Corner of the City: Part I

I'm being stalked.

"You're what?"
"Who?"
"When?"

Well, I'll tell you ...I am being stalked by five men: John, Zal, Steve, Joe + Jerry ...You might know them as the Lovin' Spoonful (that's the original line-up at least. "Wait Jordyn, you know the Lovin' Spoonful's original line-up?" Yes)

It all started this morning, when I woke up with the Zombies "Tell Her No,' stuck in my head ..."But Jordyn, you cannot compare the Zombies to the Lovin' Spoonful!" I know, I know, please let me continue.

So there I was, singing "Tell her no, no, no/No, no, no, no," as I sat at my computer, checking my email and various newsy websites. I couldn't decide what to listen to ...Inspired by the Zombies (and already exhausting my Zombies' collection), I clicked to an oldies station, on my iTunes.

The Chi-lites (love 'em), the Turtles (even better), Bachman-Turner Overdive (that's ok), Buffalo Springfield (why not?), the Lovin Spoonful (Aww, the Lovin' Spoonful ..."Summer In the City," I can deal with this).

[30 minutes later]

Jim Croce (don't mess with Jim), Bread (eh, it's ...Bread), Aretha Franklin (R E S P E C T, I will) and the Lovin Spoonful (Ah ok, it's still "Summer In the City," didn't they just play this?).

[1 hr. later, returning from the grocery store, left the station on]

Steppenwolf (Oo just missed the magic carpet ride), Diana Ross (the only song I can stand that uses the slang "ain't" -Sing it Diana!) and the Lovin Spoonful (Again? Ok, I get it, it's "Summer In the City" and you're a "cool cat" looking for a "kitty").

[40 minutes later, cleaning my kitchen, putting things away]

Jackson 5 (they're never going to say goodbye, girl), Steam (na-na-he-hey-goodbye!) and the Lovin' Spoonful (Oo my! What!? C'mon now!)

[phone rings]
Telemarketer: "Hi, is Ms. Phelps, there?"
Me: "Yes" ["Back of my neck getting dirty + gritty"]
Telemarketer: [pause] "Hi, Ms. Phelps?"
Me: "Yes, speaking" ["Walking on the sidewalk/hotter than a match head]
Telemarketer: "Hi, Ms. Phelps, I'm calling in regards to the Lake County Police Dept. Fund-Drive -yadda yadda yadda"
[Mental Note: I don't even live in Lake County + by this time it's safe to assume that I am, indeed, Ms. Phelps]
Me: "I'm sorry, I'm not interested ..." ["Running up the stairs/Gonna meet you on the rooftop"]
Telemarketer: "Oo ok ...Wait, is that 'Summer In the City'?"
Me: "Yes it is!"
Telemarketer: "It's not summer today! [nervous laughter]"
[FYI: It was snowing outside]
Me: "[fake laughter] That's Chicago for you! Well, have a nice day."
Telemarketer: "Thanks"

[1 hr. or so later, sorting through mail, making coffee]

Beach Boys (wouldn't be an oldies station without them + Ba-Ba-Barbara Ann), Santana (where's my incense?), the Zombies (Hooray!) and the Lovin' Spoonful (...)

Remember the film (yes, film) Groundhog's Day? Bill Murray's character woke up every morning to Sonny + Cher's "I Got You Babe" (then again, don't we all?) ...By this time, the Lovin' Spoonful and I have stepped into the Groundhog's Day-zone ...You might also recall the scene where Murray grabs his toaster and attempts to bathe with it ...Hmm.

"Come on, come on and dance all night/Despite the heat, it'll be alright"

[phone rings]
Nick: "Hey"
[Paul McCartney + Wings "Band On the Run"]
Me: "Uno momento, Paul McCartney, be quiet!"
Nick: "Aww, Wings? Are they on the run?"
Me: "Perhaps ...Hey, I'm being stalked"
Nick: "What?"
Me: "I've been listening to an oldies station all day and the Lovin Spoonful's 'Summer In the City,' has been playing every hour, on the hour! I'm being stalked by the Lovin' Spoonful!"
[this is when both Nick and I started singing "Summer In the City, back and forth]
Nick: [mumble, mumble] "Hotter than a match head"
Me: "Cool cat, lookin' for a kitty"
[more of our duet]
Nick: [mumble, mumble]
Me: "We gave it a good go! Karaoke bars look out! The Nick + Jordyn Explosion is coming!"

[10 minutes ago, as I type this]

Doobie Brothers (!!!), Elvis (he's caught in a trap, can't get out), Jackson 5 (Primo! Leave Princess Milo alone!) and (Yep, you guessed it) ...the Lovin' Spoonful "Summer In the City"

"And babe, don't you know it's a pity/The days can't be like the nights/In the summer/In the city"

In the summer, in the city ...Where is my toaster?