Wet Toes: All Before A Cup of Coffee

Note: I hate the word "jug"

Forgive me, it's been months since I last changed my kitchen faucet's water filter. In fact, I've further it's neglect by regularly purchasing 2.5 gallon jugs of water, @ my local grocery store.

After work, Thursday evening, I had a few errands to run before calling it a night and attempting to go to sleep @ a regular hour, in order to wake up @ 5AM and get ready for my AM Friday shift. My errands included a trip to the grocery store w/ water on my list. I purchased two and made it home -Putting one in my fridge and the other on the top shelf of my linen closet.

My alarm was set for 4:58AM (Why 4:58? I haven't a clue. My alarm and I have a love/hate relationship and I didn't want to mess with it for fear I'd be late for work). Fortunately, I have a back-up alarm system in the form of a 15 lbs., black + white Primo -Powered by Pavlov's Theory ("Beep beep" = FOOD).

4:58AM: Beep, beep ...beep, beep. I shut the alarm off, still asleep. A couple of minutes later, Primo springs into action -Pawing, whining, batting @ my head. Though, this morning, there was a greater sense of urgency in Primo's high pitch wails. Milo soon joined in w/ his very distinct, nose-crinkled squeal. Where's the fire!? Did Timmy fall down the well!?

Blurry-eyed and barefoot, I stumbled (gracefully, I'm sure) out of bed and into the living room (also known as "the rest of my apartment"). There, I was met with Lola running in circles, w/ her duck-like squawk. Except this time none of them were bee-lining it towards the kitchen ...No, this time they were running towards the linen closet, stopping aburptly -And that's when I saw it. That's when I woke up.

Cracked open, laying on it's side and (now) empty -The water jug -It's contents completely drained and soaking through my carpet -All 2.5 gallons. By this time I had managed to open one eye, the other still blurry. I walked into the kitchen and poured myself a glass of water (I think my first reaction was "Crap! ...I'm thirsty").

510AM: There I was in my nightgown, feet wet, in a pool of soggy carpet, grabbing @ towels -a sad attempt to sop up this mess ...And all the while, forcing myself to laugh.

Me: "CRAP!" [forced laughter]
Milo: "Waaaaaaaa!!"
Me: "I know!"
Primo: "Meoooooow!!"
Me: [forced laughter] "I know!"
Milo: "Waaaaaaaa -aaaaaa -aaaaa!!"
Me: [forced laughter] "I'm trying to clean it up! I'm not awake!"
Lola: "Squawk! Squawk!"
Me: "Exactly!"

After all towels were in place ...I tip-toed my way to the bathroom. Once in the shower, I was comforted with a newfound appreciation for the way the water neatly ran towards a rust-colored drain.

"Wait, I need a towel! CRAP! [forced laughter]".

To Catch A Predator: As Seen On TV

Ooo, look the Pasta Express: "Cooks up to 1 lb. of pasta! Also great for shrimp, ravioli, hot dogs, carrots, peas, and much more!"

And Ooo, not to be out done, the Vidalia Chop Wizard: "Chops and dices in one swift motion! Never needs sharpening! Chop your kitchen prep time in half, giving you more time to enjoy your delicious dishes!"

But why do you care?

Well, you shouldn't ...Though, lessening the time spent on such long + tedious chores such as boiling (things) and chopping (things) is cutting edge and deserves your attention ...You shouldn't care, neither did I, as I spent 10 minutes hiding in the "As Seen On TV" aisle @ my local CVS Pharmacy, earlier this evening.

I braved the -3 temps with one goal, in mind: cinnamon heart candies ...As I browsed the leftover assortment of pink + red holiday treats ("They can't be out of cinnamon hearts!") ...A guy walked by, stopped and turned around:

Guy: "Damn, you're real cute"
Me: [headphones on -pressed smile -eyes darting back to my quest for cinnamon confections]
Guy: "Hey, what's your name?"
Me: "Sorry"
Guy: "Aww, I just wanna know your name ...Cute girl like you in the candy aisle, you lookin' for candy?"
Me: [side-stepping away ...away!]
Guy: "You know, I bet you sweet ...like candy, bein' in the candy aisle -You sweet like this aisle!"
Me: [cue the crickets ...A-ha! Cinnamon hearts there you are!]
Guy: "You know, that's what they call an euphemism, you know that? Sweet ...candy ...You in this aisle"
Me: "Yes ...Thanks ...Have a good night"
Guy: "Aww you too sweet cutie!"

And then like a hawk, circling it's prey -This guy opted to linger ...And just as the check-out line was within my sight -Who had beaten me there!? In a mad-dash/lightbulb moment, I ducked down the "As Seen On TV" aisle, until the shark had left the waters ...That's an euphemism ...you know?

The Long Of A Short Month, In Other Words: A Bit Dull w/ Nice Bone Structure

Train stop convenience store, purchase: 1 Oatmeal + Raisin Clif Bar
Me: [hands clerk money]
Clerk: [hands back change] "POWER!"
Me: "…Yes!" [Mental Note: What?]
…..


Thursday night, heading home after work, I stood on the train platform awaiting an outbound train towards home …I always walk to the front of the platform, in hopes of catching the first or second car (Rush hour aside –Generally, a given for a seat) …Unfortunately, the heating lamps do not reach the front of the platform so I stood there, bundled up like a ninja, peering down the tracks (And yeah ok –My pride scoffs at cold –Scoff!)…A CTA worker came up the stairs to start his rounds …Pushing the heating lamps on –And that's how I met Benjamin and learned that A. It's hard being both British and black, B. That I have "very nice, amazing" bone structure.

[CTA worker walks closer to my end of the platform]
CTA Worker: [in a surprising British accent]: "Aren't you cold? Why not stand underneath the heating lamp?"
Me: [Yes, cold …A tad blurry-eyed, tired, headphones on] "Sorry?"
CTA Worker: "It's cold –You must be freezing"
Me: "A train will be here soon –Plus, the cold keeps me awake." (Let the verbal diarrhea begin!)
[Blah blah blah …He asks what I do, I say student/vet assistant –No, I don't want to be a veterinarian …Blah blah blah …He's been in the States for a handful of years, born/raised outside of Manchester, UK. He likes "football" (shocker) …We both agree that Chicago's a great city, love living here, blah blah –I keep peering down the platform for a train]
CTA Worker: "A lot of people question what I am –'Are you black?' Of course I'm black! It's my accent that alarms them at first, I fear. I was shocked to find such ignorance in New York City. Such ignorance!"
Me: "Ah …I can imagine" [Mental Note: Ok …Train? Anyone? Anyone?]
CTA Worker: "Once they get to know me though, they see that I'm just like them …I mean, I too like sports. I don't deal with much of that in Chicago –There are so many cultures and niches to fit into. Are you sure we haven't talked before?"
Me: "I'm afraid not" [Where are you train?]
CTA Worker: 'I'd definitely remember you. I saw you walking up on the platform –You have very nice –amazing –bone structure. Very memorable." [motions to his face]
Me: "Ah, thank you" [Here we go …Oo wait, headlights! Hooray a train!]
CTA Worker: "I'm Benjamin –Not Ben, I've really enjoyed our conversation. I hope to see you more often around this stop" [offers gloved hand]
Me: "Nice to meet you Benjamin –Not Ben. Take care" [I walked onto the train, pushing my scarf over my "very nice –amazing" bone structure]

…..

I worked Friday morning until Noon, per usual …My "must" for the day was to stop by my cats' vet (a few blocks away) and pick up more dry food (I mentioned this process a few weeks back …Since Primo's diabetic, he's on "special" diabetic dry food –Delicious). This time around, I also wanted to see if the vet could fax Primo's medical records to my work, since I really want Primo see one of the vets @ my work. It was actually, this very week, last year, that Primo first crashed diabetic and while I was amazed @ the care Primo received throughout his grueling 5 day stay @ the vet (The vet would call @ 130AM "Almost lost him but we got him back" and telling me that "we're trying all that we can and I have a lot of hope but you really should prepare yourself for the worst") –Such top-notch care has slowly been on the decline. His vet is on his way towards retirement and has had a stand-in vet the past handful of times I've had to take Primo in (She's the one that calls him "sir," every other sentence). Short of the a somewhat long/boring explanation: The vets @ my work come highly recommended and I have the employee perk of discounted service. It's silly that I've waited this long.

I should mention that on my way out, as I opened my apartment door, I noticed something eerily reminiscent of last February …Spotting @ the front door. That immediately sounded the alarms …The last time Primo started spotting @ the front door, was when he crashed …Mental Note: NO! (in a high pitch mental note scream).

After paying for the (overpriced) bag of dry food …
Me: "Also, I was wondering if it'd be possible to fax Primo's medical records to my work …?"
Ms. Rude VA: "Um, what? Fax them to your …work? WHY?"
Me: "Yes …I work @ Treehouse and I'd like a copy of Primo's medical records"
Ms. Rude VA: "Um …I don't know how to do that [pause] …Do you really need a copy? I guess I could copy it for you"
Me: "Yes, that'd work"
[10 minutes pass …She asks for the spelling of my last name 4 separate times and I find myself thinking of what my Mom used to tell people "Phelps –P as in Peter, S as in Sam"]
Ms. RudeVA: [talking a few feet away w/ another assistant] "Yeah, THIS GIRL WANTS A COPY OF HER CAT'S MEDICAL RECORDS BECAUSE SHE'S GOING TO ANOTHER VET! Do I just COPY them for HER? WHAT? No, she wants to go to ANOTHER VET"
Me: [Mental Note: Geeze, all I asked for was my cat's medical record and she was acting as though I said "You know, that scrub top is doing nothing for your figure" Plus, she made sure I heard her annoyed sighs]
[10 minutes later …]
Ms. Rude: "HERE! THEY'RE NOT IN ORDER. Now is THAT all?"
Me: "Yes, that's all, thank you …And just so you know, it's not a matter of switching vets. I still have two cats that see Dr. Kas."
Ms. Rude VA: "WHATEVER"

Lovely.

Later that evening, Primo and I played an ongoing game of catch and I fully gave in to his "I have a broken pancreas" guilt trip.

My Blind Date w/ Homeland Security (Minus Clever Captions + a Hot Tub)

10AM rolled around yesterday (as it usually does) and there I was -Shoes on, hair pulled back, rubbing sleep from my eyes. I had a handful of things I could be doing or rather should have been doing (or would overall rather be doing) but every time I thought of such a list, I feared the phone ringing -It's my date w/ Homeland Security! So I sat there sipping my coffee and trying to control my escalating annoyance (Orange Alert!) towards this no-face Homeland Security officer -10:05, 10:10, 10:15, 10:20 ...Why, why did I agree to this!? I'm being held hostage by Homeland Security and a neighbor I don't even know!

Sunday: 2:20PM, I had 5 minutes to spare before leaving for work. Music blaring, toothbrush in mouth, hopping around as I put my shoes on -Keys? Where are my keys? A-ha!

[Ring, ring]
Mental note: Argh! [look @ caller ID] Telemarketer! Fine.
Me: "HELLO?" [I neglected to turn down my stereo]
Man: "Hello, is this Ms. Amanda Jordyn Phelps?"
Me: "YES, it IS"
Man: "Hello, this is Homeland Security ..."
Me: "Oo ...Hi!"

Whoops. I'm great w/ first impressions -I was under the impression that this interview would be via phone ...And I was wrong. Face to face, 10AM Tuesday, my building's lobby. Great.

Me: "We can meet in my building's lobby, if that's ok. Afterall, you are a stranger" (I added that last bit for pure amusement).

Monday, 1020AM:

[Ring, ring]
Meredith (front desk lady extraordinaire): "Amanda, honey -There's a man here for you ...from Homeland Security" (said w/ much hesitation, I might add)
Me: "I'll be right down!"
(Mental note: Oo no, Meredith's imagination is getting the best of her. I'll have to explain this to her or be subject to her raised eyebrow stare).

(I didn't catch his name but he did show me a badge -Which I guess makes me a statistic of naivete. What did he look like? Think X-Files "Cancer Man" meets John Goodman minus any form of humor, sans earpiece)
HS: "Ms. Phelps? Hello"
[handshake ...He had HUGE hands. We walk into the "sitting room" within the lobby]
HS Man: "Thank you for your time. Blah blah neighbor applied for blah blah blah just a few questions blah blah."
Me: "I know that he mentioned he's not very close w/ his neighbors and that's true."
(Let my verbal diarrhea begin!)
HS: "Yes but that's not as important as what you've SEEN"
Me: "Ok ..."
HS: "How long have you lived in this building?"
Me: "Almost 5 yrs."
HS: "Almost?"
(He was taking notes on EVERYTHING ...He scribbled "Almost")
HS: "Blah blah blah"
Me: "Blah blah blah"
HS: "How often do you see him around the building?"
Me: "I've seen him in uniform a handful of times ...Probably 4 or 5 times throughout the week."
HS: "Where do you usually see him?"
Me: "Er ...The mailroom, elevator, down the hall ..."
(Notes, notes, notes)
HS: "And there's never been any sort of disturbance?"
Me: "No, never. He seems, from what little I know of him, to be an upstanding guy, quiet, low-key, polite ..."
(scribbles "polite"!)
HS: "Do you know anything about his "natural" status?"
(Mental note: What? Oo brother ...)
Me: "I don't know anything about that, sorry"
HS: "I only ask to make sure that he stands by his country, blah blah blah"
Me: "Oo um, yeah, I don't know him that well @ all ...Like I said though, he seems to be a rather conservative guy -Quiet, low-key, polite ...But not quiet in an offish way"
(Where are my paddles!? This ship is going down!)
HS: "Very good. I've met him and I would agree with you."
Me: "Well there were a few times he didn't hold the elevator for me ...Haha ...ha ...?"
HS: (Silent -Note taking)
(Mental Note: Crap!)

The "interview" lasted for another 10 minutes. He asked where I moved from, double-checked the spelling of my last name, where I go to school/where I work. Eventually I reverted to my usual conversation filler "It seems mighty windy outside" but he wasn't taking the bait. We shook hands, a "have a nice day" exchange. As I turned the corner, towards Meredith, she shot me a "Are you ok, girl?" glance -I smiled, slight nod.

I caught the elevator back to my apartment w/ my building's Billy Preston look-a-like exterminator (The smell of his Wash n' Curl shampoo filling my nostrils).

Billy Preston: "You ok, girl? You look good ...Lemme look at you ...Good, you lookin' good today. So pretty."
Me: "Thanks ...Yeah, I'm ok. Just an interview for a neighbor"
Billy Preston: "Is it ok if I'm friendly w/ you?"
Me: "I have a FBI agent downstairs!"
[laughter ...Come on 7th floor! 5-6-7 -Ding!]
Me: "Have a good day!"
Billy Preston: "Good seein' you, girl. You have yourself a beautiful day!"

Overall, I'd rate my Homeland Security "interview" as boring, anticlimactic, borderline awkward and chocked full o' some tasty morsels of BS.

My "cop neighbor" better: A. Get the job, B. Send me a fruit basket -extra kiwi.
I better: A. Not be audited this year, B. (as Marshall suggested) check myself for radiation.

In other news, my long lost bro is back and I for one couldn't be happier.

Like A Good Neighbor: How I Helped the Federal Bureau

[knock, knock ...I set down my delicious Dunkin' Donuts coffee -just black -Answer the front door]

Me: "Hello?"
Cop Neighbor (from down the hall w/ female companion in tow): "Hi!"
[Primo runs into hallway -Neighbor's female companion jumps back]
Cop Neighbor: [laugh] "Cute cat!"
Me: [struggling w/ Primo] "Thanks."
Cop Neighbor: "I live down the hall ..." [points] " ... And I've applied for a job within the Federal Bureau" [pause]
Me: "Congrats?"
Cop Neighbor: "Thank you! Anyway, part of my application includes a background check and a brief interview w/ two of my neighbors"
Me: "Oo? ..."
Cop Neighbor: "I explained to them that I don't really know any of my neighbors but they said that didn't matter ...So, I'm going door to door, asking my neighbors -like YOU- if they would be interested in helping me out"
Me: "Ah yes ...Would you like me to relate childhood stories?"
[laughter]
Cop Neighbor: "You would only have to say that you've seen me around and that I'm pretty low-key, quiet, etc."
Me: "Not 'Yeah, I see him passed out in the hallway often'?"
[forced laughter]
Cop Neighbor: "Oo no, no. You can say I watch your cat. Ha ...ha"
[awkward ...Mental note: What?]
Me: "Not 'Oo yeah, THAT guy, I usually have to step over him to get to the elevator'?"
[more forced laughter]
Cop Neighbor: "I hate to bother you"
Me: "No bother ...I'll help" [Mental note: What?]
Cop Neighbor: "Great! When would be a good time for them to contact you?"
Me: "Usually in the AM -And if you want the job, preferably after my first cup of coffee"
[forced laughter ...The schmoozy/car salesman kind]
Cop Neighbor: "Thanks a lot!"

Damn, it wasn't Amway.

So I have a call from the FBI comin' down the pike. Wonderful. I'm debating whether or not to tell them how this "cop neighbor" never holds the elevator for me and that the times I do catch the elevator he always walks off first, even when I'm closer to the doors -Surely, that's against FBI code -I'm a lady!

On a random note: I'm a French Humacorn!

The Big Beans & the Unappreciated Art of Elevator Etiquette: I Woke Up This Morning

[9AM -Ring, ring]

Vet: Hello?"
Me: "Hi, I was curious if you had any DM (diabetic maintence) dry food, in?"
Vet: "DM? Let me check, can you hold?"
Me: "Sure, thank you"
Vet: "Hello? Yeah, we have DM -Feline?"
Me: "Yes, great"
Vet: "For a cat, right?"
Me: "Um, yes"
Vet: "Dry or wet?"
Me: "Dry"
Vet: Let me double check, again, can you hold?"
Me: "Sure, thanks"
Vet: "Ok, DM for feline ...cat ...dry. We have it."
Me: "Thank you, I'll be in shortly"

Since the vet is located a few steps from a Dunkin' Donuts, I figured I'd stop by Dunkin' to pick up 2lbs. of whole bean coffee. I rummaged through Dunkin's fine fine selection of beans and could only find one bag of "original blend" in whole bean.

Maarcia (@ least that's what her name tag said): "Hi, welcome to Dunkin' Donuts, how may I help you?"
Me: "Good morning ...I was curious if you had anymore whole bean coffee in original blend?""
Maarcia: "Original blend ...Whole beans? The big beans?"
Me: "Yes"
Maarcia: "Let me check, hold on"
[Maarcia flags down the manager who's puttin' out fires ...Well, not literally]
Manager: "You want original blend?" [starts rifling through the many bags -Which I already looked through -She hands me a bag of ground original blend] "See! Here's a bag!"
Me: "Yes, but that's ground ...I'd like whole bean"
Manager: "The big beans?"
Me: "Yes ...please?"
[Maarcia shows up with two bags of original whole beans ...the "big beans"]
Me: "Great! Thank you."
[Maarcia rings up both bags]
Maarcia: "$17.35"
Me: 'Um, you're having a special -2 bags for $11.99"
Maarcia: "Oo ...We are? Just a second"
[Manager returns and teaches Maarcia how to ring up specials "Punch COUPON!"]
Maarcia: "$12.10"
[I hand her $13]
Maarcia: "Do you have a 10 cent?"
Me: "I might" [dig into pockets, change falls out. Mental note: Sure Maarcia, anything to make your day easier] "Here you go, thanks! Have a nice day!"
Maarcia: "Yeah"

Walk home, step into elevator w/ an elderly man.

Me: "What floor?"
Old Man w/ a Band-Aid on his chin: "2"
[Press 2 and 7]
Old Band-Aid Man: "No! No! I said 10!"
Me: "Oo! I'm sorry, whoops" [I swear he said 2]
Old Band-Aid Man: "You can't hear me with those things in your ears!"
Me: "Oo ...yeah, I'm sorry" [Defense: Yes, I had my headphones -ahem, things, in my ears but I wasn't listening to anything @ the moment]
Old Band-Aid Man: "It's ok ...I don't think either of us has to use the bathroom so we'll be ok"
[awkward laughter -Mental note: What?]

Sometimes I miss jellybeans.

Amanda Jordyn, PI: I See Busy People

I live across from a rather popular local coffee shop, which makes for excellent people watching -A pastime that I've both neglected and feel creepy for.

The other day, I happened to walk by one of my 7th story windows and look out onto the parking lot, across the street ...And what did I see? Why, I saw "busy" people! ...Smoking, drinking coffee, leaning back -You know, busy ...busy people.



Boy o boy, I thought I was busy -I wish to be THAT busy, someday ...Dream a lil dream ...

Sidenote: I opted to omit a bit part about a local video/design company (aka they have an office of Eames furniture and shoot weddings) because I'm turning over a new leaf and ok I'm also convinced they search myspace for new clients.

Sidenote #2: I'm listening to Lemuria, which unfortunately is not listed within the myspace music database ...So just so everyone knows I'm listening to them and you should too! J, do you realize how groundbreaking this is ...I actually like something you've done (aww) ...Amazing.