My Blind Date w/ Homeland Security (Minus Clever Captions + a Hot Tub)

10AM rolled around yesterday (as it usually does) and there I was -Shoes on, hair pulled back, rubbing sleep from my eyes. I had a handful of things I could be doing or rather should have been doing (or would overall rather be doing) but every time I thought of such a list, I feared the phone ringing -It's my date w/ Homeland Security! So I sat there sipping my coffee and trying to control my escalating annoyance (Orange Alert!) towards this no-face Homeland Security officer -10:05, 10:10, 10:15, 10:20 ...Why, why did I agree to this!? I'm being held hostage by Homeland Security and a neighbor I don't even know!

Sunday: 2:20PM, I had 5 minutes to spare before leaving for work. Music blaring, toothbrush in mouth, hopping around as I put my shoes on -Keys? Where are my keys? A-ha!

[Ring, ring]
Mental note: Argh! [look @ caller ID] Telemarketer! Fine.
Me: "HELLO?" [I neglected to turn down my stereo]
Man: "Hello, is this Ms. Amanda Jordyn Phelps?"
Me: "YES, it IS"
Man: "Hello, this is Homeland Security ..."
Me: "Oo ...Hi!"

Whoops. I'm great w/ first impressions -I was under the impression that this interview would be via phone ...And I was wrong. Face to face, 10AM Tuesday, my building's lobby. Great.

Me: "We can meet in my building's lobby, if that's ok. Afterall, you are a stranger" (I added that last bit for pure amusement).

Monday, 1020AM:

[Ring, ring]
Meredith (front desk lady extraordinaire): "Amanda, honey -There's a man here for you ...from Homeland Security" (said w/ much hesitation, I might add)
Me: "I'll be right down!"
(Mental note: Oo no, Meredith's imagination is getting the best of her. I'll have to explain this to her or be subject to her raised eyebrow stare).

(I didn't catch his name but he did show me a badge -Which I guess makes me a statistic of naivete. What did he look like? Think X-Files "Cancer Man" meets John Goodman minus any form of humor, sans earpiece)
HS: "Ms. Phelps? Hello"
[handshake ...He had HUGE hands. We walk into the "sitting room" within the lobby]
HS Man: "Thank you for your time. Blah blah neighbor applied for blah blah blah just a few questions blah blah."
Me: "I know that he mentioned he's not very close w/ his neighbors and that's true."
(Let my verbal diarrhea begin!)
HS: "Yes but that's not as important as what you've SEEN"
Me: "Ok ..."
HS: "How long have you lived in this building?"
Me: "Almost 5 yrs."
HS: "Almost?"
(He was taking notes on EVERYTHING ...He scribbled "Almost")
HS: "Blah blah blah"
Me: "Blah blah blah"
HS: "How often do you see him around the building?"
Me: "I've seen him in uniform a handful of times ...Probably 4 or 5 times throughout the week."
HS: "Where do you usually see him?"
Me: "Er ...The mailroom, elevator, down the hall ..."
(Notes, notes, notes)
HS: "And there's never been any sort of disturbance?"
Me: "No, never. He seems, from what little I know of him, to be an upstanding guy, quiet, low-key, polite ..."
(scribbles "polite"!)
HS: "Do you know anything about his "natural" status?"
(Mental note: What? Oo brother ...)
Me: "I don't know anything about that, sorry"
HS: "I only ask to make sure that he stands by his country, blah blah blah"
Me: "Oo um, yeah, I don't know him that well @ all ...Like I said though, he seems to be a rather conservative guy -Quiet, low-key, polite ...But not quiet in an offish way"
(Where are my paddles!? This ship is going down!)
HS: "Very good. I've met him and I would agree with you."
Me: "Well there were a few times he didn't hold the elevator for me ...Haha ...ha ...?"
HS: (Silent -Note taking)
(Mental Note: Crap!)

The "interview" lasted for another 10 minutes. He asked where I moved from, double-checked the spelling of my last name, where I go to school/where I work. Eventually I reverted to my usual conversation filler "It seems mighty windy outside" but he wasn't taking the bait. We shook hands, a "have a nice day" exchange. As I turned the corner, towards Meredith, she shot me a "Are you ok, girl?" glance -I smiled, slight nod.

I caught the elevator back to my apartment w/ my building's Billy Preston look-a-like exterminator (The smell of his Wash n' Curl shampoo filling my nostrils).

Billy Preston: "You ok, girl? You look good ...Lemme look at you ...Good, you lookin' good today. So pretty."
Me: "Thanks ...Yeah, I'm ok. Just an interview for a neighbor"
Billy Preston: "Is it ok if I'm friendly w/ you?"
Me: "I have a FBI agent downstairs!"
[laughter ...Come on 7th floor! 5-6-7 -Ding!]
Me: "Have a good day!"
Billy Preston: "Good seein' you, girl. You have yourself a beautiful day!"

Overall, I'd rate my Homeland Security "interview" as boring, anticlimactic, borderline awkward and chocked full o' some tasty morsels of BS.

My "cop neighbor" better: A. Get the job, B. Send me a fruit basket -extra kiwi.
I better: A. Not be audited this year, B. (as Marshall suggested) check myself for radiation.

In other news, my long lost bro is back and I for one couldn't be happier.

Like A Good Neighbor: How I Helped the Federal Bureau

[knock, knock ...I set down my delicious Dunkin' Donuts coffee -just black -Answer the front door]

Me: "Hello?"
Cop Neighbor (from down the hall w/ female companion in tow): "Hi!"
[Primo runs into hallway -Neighbor's female companion jumps back]
Cop Neighbor: [laugh] "Cute cat!"
Me: [struggling w/ Primo] "Thanks."
Cop Neighbor: "I live down the hall ..." [points] " ... And I've applied for a job within the Federal Bureau" [pause]
Me: "Congrats?"
Cop Neighbor: "Thank you! Anyway, part of my application includes a background check and a brief interview w/ two of my neighbors"
Me: "Oo? ..."
Cop Neighbor: "I explained to them that I don't really know any of my neighbors but they said that didn't matter ...So, I'm going door to door, asking my neighbors -like YOU- if they would be interested in helping me out"
Me: "Ah yes ...Would you like me to relate childhood stories?"
[laughter]
Cop Neighbor: "You would only have to say that you've seen me around and that I'm pretty low-key, quiet, etc."
Me: "Not 'Yeah, I see him passed out in the hallway often'?"
[forced laughter]
Cop Neighbor: "Oo no, no. You can say I watch your cat. Ha ...ha"
[awkward ...Mental note: What?]
Me: "Not 'Oo yeah, THAT guy, I usually have to step over him to get to the elevator'?"
[more forced laughter]
Cop Neighbor: "I hate to bother you"
Me: "No bother ...I'll help" [Mental note: What?]
Cop Neighbor: "Great! When would be a good time for them to contact you?"
Me: "Usually in the AM -And if you want the job, preferably after my first cup of coffee"
[forced laughter ...The schmoozy/car salesman kind]
Cop Neighbor: "Thanks a lot!"

Damn, it wasn't Amway.

So I have a call from the FBI comin' down the pike. Wonderful. I'm debating whether or not to tell them how this "cop neighbor" never holds the elevator for me and that the times I do catch the elevator he always walks off first, even when I'm closer to the doors -Surely, that's against FBI code -I'm a lady!

On a random note: I'm a French Humacorn!

The Big Beans & the Unappreciated Art of Elevator Etiquette: I Woke Up This Morning

[9AM -Ring, ring]

Vet: Hello?"
Me: "Hi, I was curious if you had any DM (diabetic maintence) dry food, in?"
Vet: "DM? Let me check, can you hold?"
Me: "Sure, thank you"
Vet: "Hello? Yeah, we have DM -Feline?"
Me: "Yes, great"
Vet: "For a cat, right?"
Me: "Um, yes"
Vet: "Dry or wet?"
Me: "Dry"
Vet: Let me double check, again, can you hold?"
Me: "Sure, thanks"
Vet: "Ok, DM for feline ...cat ...dry. We have it."
Me: "Thank you, I'll be in shortly"

Since the vet is located a few steps from a Dunkin' Donuts, I figured I'd stop by Dunkin' to pick up 2lbs. of whole bean coffee. I rummaged through Dunkin's fine fine selection of beans and could only find one bag of "original blend" in whole bean.

Maarcia (@ least that's what her name tag said): "Hi, welcome to Dunkin' Donuts, how may I help you?"
Me: "Good morning ...I was curious if you had anymore whole bean coffee in original blend?""
Maarcia: "Original blend ...Whole beans? The big beans?"
Me: "Yes"
Maarcia: "Let me check, hold on"
[Maarcia flags down the manager who's puttin' out fires ...Well, not literally]
Manager: "You want original blend?" [starts rifling through the many bags -Which I already looked through -She hands me a bag of ground original blend] "See! Here's a bag!"
Me: "Yes, but that's ground ...I'd like whole bean"
Manager: "The big beans?"
Me: "Yes ...please?"
[Maarcia shows up with two bags of original whole beans ...the "big beans"]
Me: "Great! Thank you."
[Maarcia rings up both bags]
Maarcia: "$17.35"
Me: 'Um, you're having a special -2 bags for $11.99"
Maarcia: "Oo ...We are? Just a second"
[Manager returns and teaches Maarcia how to ring up specials "Punch COUPON!"]
Maarcia: "$12.10"
[I hand her $13]
Maarcia: "Do you have a 10 cent?"
Me: "I might" [dig into pockets, change falls out. Mental note: Sure Maarcia, anything to make your day easier] "Here you go, thanks! Have a nice day!"
Maarcia: "Yeah"

Walk home, step into elevator w/ an elderly man.

Me: "What floor?"
Old Man w/ a Band-Aid on his chin: "2"
[Press 2 and 7]
Old Band-Aid Man: "No! No! I said 10!"
Me: "Oo! I'm sorry, whoops" [I swear he said 2]
Old Band-Aid Man: "You can't hear me with those things in your ears!"
Me: "Oo ...yeah, I'm sorry" [Defense: Yes, I had my headphones -ahem, things, in my ears but I wasn't listening to anything @ the moment]
Old Band-Aid Man: "It's ok ...I don't think either of us has to use the bathroom so we'll be ok"
[awkward laughter -Mental note: What?]

Sometimes I miss jellybeans.

Amanda Jordyn, PI: I See Busy People

I live across from a rather popular local coffee shop, which makes for excellent people watching -A pastime that I've both neglected and feel creepy for.

The other day, I happened to walk by one of my 7th story windows and look out onto the parking lot, across the street ...And what did I see? Why, I saw "busy" people! ...Smoking, drinking coffee, leaning back -You know, busy ...busy people.



Boy o boy, I thought I was busy -I wish to be THAT busy, someday ...Dream a lil dream ...

Sidenote: I opted to omit a bit part about a local video/design company (aka they have an office of Eames furniture and shoot weddings) because I'm turning over a new leaf and ok I'm also convinced they search myspace for new clients.

Sidenote #2: I'm listening to Lemuria, which unfortunately is not listed within the myspace music database ...So just so everyone knows I'm listening to them and you should too! J, do you realize how groundbreaking this is ...I actually like something you've done (aww) ...Amazing.