Shortly after work, this morning, I set out to run some errands and various to-dos.
To say I "caught" the #36 Broadway bus would be an understatement ...In truth, I stood @ the bus stop for 25 mins, blinking excessively (I woke up @ 5AM, it was 1PM) and reassuring an elderly man that "Yes, the bus is coming," "Yep, this is where you stand," and "Oo of course, the bus is coming, sir".
When said bus finally arrived, I settled into this week's Reader and awaited my turn to tug the cord.
I set about my errands, my hair pulled up in my typical post-work 'do. I think my friend/coworker Russell summed it up best, shortly after meeting me, "I was working on a project, the other day, and I thought of you because your hair up like that is very geisha and I was painting a geisha like figure." Hair clip + shiny black headband = my medicating cats/outta my face/"geisha" statement.
Any make-up I managed to slap on around 5AM was by then an afterthought and the grey skies were more than likely making me look paler than I already am.
After I finished said errands, I opted to treat myself to an Intelligentsia coffee (where you can say "large" and "just black" without any furrowed brow of confusion -What a relief!) ...I headed up Broadway. As I stood at a stoplight, a rather daper looking man crossed the street ...I'm guessing he was in his early/mid 50s, dressed in his finest "casual Friday" businessman attire (meaning he was without a tie).
Daper Man: "I love your hair"
Me: "Oo, thank you"
Daper Man: "Is that your natural color? It is, right? It looks perfect"
Me: "Oo, why thank you and no, it's not my natural color"
Daper Man: "You're a gorgeous young lady ...You have a very 1940s look to you. A truly beautiful look. Do you like the 1940s?"
[Mental Thought: Do I like the 1940s? Hmm, sure, why not?]
Me: "Oo, well thank you ...Yeah, the 1940s ...Actually, I've heard that before"
Daper Man: "Well, it's a beautiful look! Your beauty is 1940s reincarnated."
Me: "Thank you ...Have a great day"
[Mental Thought: Look? Sir, can I explain to you the joys of running cat fecals at 8AM?]
Daper Man: "You have such a 1940s spirit. Have a beautiful -wonderful day, young lady!"
My cup of coffee was delicious and helped me brave the packed bus ride home. Seated nearby, a group of school children ...Where one girl (the leader of the pack) was trying to convince her pals that she (indeed, for honest) lived @ the IHOP, up the street.
Girl: "I eat pancakes everyday!"
Boy: "Even for dinner?"
Girl: "Yeah-huh!"
Boy: "Yeah right"
Girl: "I do so!"
____________
And now for a few honorable mentions:
Lexi: "Do you think the Reality Bites toilet paper in the coffee maker trick would work? I don't have any coffee filters"
Lexi: "By jove, I think it worked! Thank you, Winona Ryder"
Alexander: "I'm at a place called Big Wangs. Where did it all go wrong?"
Me: "Does Airbourne really work?"
Josh: "Alan Alda says 'If you think so it probably does'."
Me: "I can't get sick"
Josh: "I bet you can!"
Me: [telling Dave about my Airbourne purchase] "And guesswhat flavor I chose?"
Dave: "Red? Red is my favorite flavor!"
[I answer the front door, at work]
Me: "Hello?"
Woman w/ cat: "Hi! I called about an admit ...I'm Jacquelyn Smith"
[Mental Thought: No you're not!]
Reason No. 465, why I will always love a certain Mr. Nick Pyle: To Suck An Egg
On March 20th, my friend Neil + his roommates started their annual "electricity fast" going on through April 20th. For more info, feel free to check-out: Allium Collective
Me: "Are you growing a beard?"
Neil: "Well kind of, yeah ...My razor is electric."
____________
Dave is working on a project that involves a couple of questions on sound ...One question, in particular, that caught my attention was/is:
What is your best/favorite (along those lines) sound memory?
My answer? Cars (No, not Ric Ocasek) ...More specific my parents' cars.
My Father worked 5+ days a week. He'd get up around 4AM and be out the door by 5AM ...In the wintertime I'd wake to hear the hum of the engine, warming up and pulling out of the drive. I've always prefered weekdays to weekends ...Hearing my Father leave for work symbolized in my sound memory the normalcy of the work week, that above all else I always loved my welder-Father's hard work ethic and that I had two more hours before my alarm would sound for school. During my parents' inevitable divorce, the sound of my Father's vehicle would take on a different tone as he would come home. "He's home ..."
The other car sound being my Mother's car, pulling into the drive. Not necessarily an obvious and/or unusual sound but distinctive in the way that "Mom's home!" When she worked Midnights @ the hospital, I'd be up early, awaiting her sound up the drive. She's home! She's home! She's home! Hooray!
Friday, March 30, 2007
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
Good Morning, Billy: No Bugs Here
My morning started off, as usual ...Slippers on, boiling water for coffee, NPR on the radio, feeding my cats, giving Primo his insulin, checking email, browsing today's newsy tidbits, hair pulled back in a messy nest on top of my head.
Halfway through my first cup of coffee, there was a knock on the door ...Oo no, Oo no, I forgot! My building had passed out a memo noting that on Tuesday, my Billy Preston lookalike exterminator (w/ a gold tooth that I just now noticed) would be going from apartment to apartment, as a precautionary measure. I work this afternoon and Lisa and I are meeting up for a pre-work lunch. Since there was no clear/cut time, I had been meaning to flag down my building manager and explain that I'm not completely sold with anyone coming into my place and neither are my three cats.
[knock on the door -"Tap tap"]
[Mental note: CRAP! CARDIGAN!]
Me: "Just a moment, please!"
[knock knock]
Me: "I'll be right there!"
[Mental note: C'mon arm, go through sleeve! Button, button!]
[Peek through peephole ...It's Billy Preston! Answer the door]
Billy Preston: "Well g'morning lil lady!"
Me: "Why hello, good morning"
Billy Preston [non-subtle look up and down] "Why aren't you a sight!"
[nervous laughter, trying to hide behind the door]
Billy Preston: "I was wonderin' when I'd get to your apartment and now my morning is made!"
[more nervous laughter ...What could I say? You're welcome? Glad I could make your day? Look, it's me and my nightgown? C'mon in and watch me brush my teeth?]
[Mental note: Billy Preston has seen me in my nightgown!]
Me: "I got the memo saying you'd be going through the building, today."
[Mental note: Billy preston has seen me in my nightgown!]
Billy Preston: [stick head through doorway w/ a spray container, eyes my cats] "Ooo, you got kitties!"
Me: "Yes, three of them ...And I wasn't sure if any spraying would be neccesary, for their safety"
Billy Preston: "Well, you don't got bugs, right?"
Me: "Nope! No bugs!"
Billy Preston: "That's ok, I skip the spray. You know, lil lady, anytime you need me or if you ever have a problem w/ bugs, I'm your guy! You just put a work order in and I'll be up here [knocks on my door]."
Me: "Aw, well thank you."
Billy Preston: "It sure was nice to see ya and you lookin' GOOD in the mornin'! You have yourself a beautiful day!"
Me: "You too, have a great day and thanks again!"
[Shut door ...Run to my bathroom's mirror to double check just what exactly he may have seen ...Ok, safe, I don't think he saw anything. I'm a lady!]
CRAP! Billy Preston saw me in my nightgown. Good morning to me.
From now on, I'm sleeping in a snowsuit.
Halfway through my first cup of coffee, there was a knock on the door ...Oo no, Oo no, I forgot! My building had passed out a memo noting that on Tuesday, my Billy Preston lookalike exterminator (w/ a gold tooth that I just now noticed) would be going from apartment to apartment, as a precautionary measure. I work this afternoon and Lisa and I are meeting up for a pre-work lunch. Since there was no clear/cut time, I had been meaning to flag down my building manager and explain that I'm not completely sold with anyone coming into my place and neither are my three cats.
[knock on the door -"Tap tap"]
[Mental note: CRAP! CARDIGAN!]
Me: "Just a moment, please!"
[knock knock]
Me: "I'll be right there!"
[Mental note: C'mon arm, go through sleeve! Button, button!]
[Peek through peephole ...It's Billy Preston! Answer the door]
Billy Preston: "Well g'morning lil lady!"
Me: "Why hello, good morning"
Billy Preston [non-subtle look up and down] "Why aren't you a sight!"
[nervous laughter, trying to hide behind the door]
Billy Preston: "I was wonderin' when I'd get to your apartment and now my morning is made!"
[more nervous laughter ...What could I say? You're welcome? Glad I could make your day? Look, it's me and my nightgown? C'mon in and watch me brush my teeth?]
[Mental note: Billy Preston has seen me in my nightgown!]
Me: "I got the memo saying you'd be going through the building, today."
[Mental note: Billy preston has seen me in my nightgown!]
Billy Preston: [stick head through doorway w/ a spray container, eyes my cats] "Ooo, you got kitties!"
Me: "Yes, three of them ...And I wasn't sure if any spraying would be neccesary, for their safety"
Billy Preston: "Well, you don't got bugs, right?"
Me: "Nope! No bugs!"
Billy Preston: "That's ok, I skip the spray. You know, lil lady, anytime you need me or if you ever have a problem w/ bugs, I'm your guy! You just put a work order in and I'll be up here [knocks on my door]."
Me: "Aw, well thank you."
Billy Preston: "It sure was nice to see ya and you lookin' GOOD in the mornin'! You have yourself a beautiful day!"
Me: "You too, have a great day and thanks again!"
[Shut door ...Run to my bathroom's mirror to double check just what exactly he may have seen ...Ok, safe, I don't think he saw anything. I'm a lady!]
CRAP! Billy Preston saw me in my nightgown. Good morning to me.
From now on, I'm sleeping in a snowsuit.
Monday, March 26, 2007
UPDATE: Amber Alert: Who Are You?
Originally posted at 10:42AM,
Monday, March 26, 2007
My State ID card ran away, last week ...I can't say I blame it. I refused to get it a wallet, I often shoved it in my pocket or left it alone on my bookshelf. I'm positive I've dropped it numerous times and I'm sure its been shoved between the musty pages of a book or two. I even called around, retracing my steps, checking with a few buisnesses around town and being referred to as "ma'am," as in "Nope, sorry ma'am," "Let me check for you, ma'am [5 minutes later] Ma'am? No, I'm sorry ...ma'am," and "Just a second, ma'am, I can't hear you, could you speak up, ma'am?"...Nothing.
Short of issuing a full-on "Amber Alert," I opted to break my apartment up into sections for an in-depth search. I will never give up hope for you, State ID but it's dawned on me that you are gone and that I will have to schlep my way to the Secretary of State to (begrudgingly) get a new one.
[Yes, State ID. Those who know me know that I don't have a driver's license and actually I've never had one. "Why?" a question I generally answer with a shrug and "I just never really wanted one". Which I'm sure fuels assumptions that I'm in "recovery" ...No driver's license, I order coffee @ bars ...Great]
However, true to form, when looking for something, you'll always find things that you weren't looking for:
-Receipts, receipts, receipts ("Ah, on 2/12/07 I saved $16.37 @ Dominick's ...The kicker is that I only spent $20+ ...It's a keeper!")
-Six water bottle caps ("No Princess Milo, I can't pick you up right now ...Here, have a bottle cap. Fun! Woo!")
-Pennies upon pennies
-Pens upon pens ("Where is my fine-tipped black Sharpie? ...Ah ha! Yes, it's underneath the bookcase, behind the printer, next to Primo's long neglected wooden spoon!" To which I will use said Sharpie and put back underneath the bookcase, behind the printer, next to the wooden spoon ...Hey, I know where it is).
-"So that's where those X-Files trading cards that Tom sent me so long ago are!"
-Paycheck + bill-paid stubs (C'mon audit, I'm ready for you!)
-A stack of unread or rifled through Newcity, Chicago Readers, Red Eyes and a copy of Hoy! I once used for an impromptu umbrella.
-"Oo, my Metamucil sampler from a few months ago ...I wonder if that fiber cracker is still good? Hmm"
-A "Are You A Good Person?" pamphlet from downtown ...I have yet to take their "ultimate' test.
-Dunkin' Donuts "Sip, Scratch + Score!" card for a free donut (The question: Famed racing horse Man O' War won how many races out of his 21 starts? I scratched D 20, "You Win!")
-Glitter balls which have yet to make their way underneath the refrigerator (Save yourselves!).
-A post-it that reads: "Coffee? Carrot juice? 'Everything That Rises: A Book On Convergences' Weschler?"
-A pamphlet that Danger Mike recently gave me: "How To Describe A Suspect From The Unknown ...To The Known," thank you Danger.
-What was that? Where's my classical section? Under my sofa ...At least that's where I found my Mozart's Symphonies no. 40+41 disc.
-Directions + ETA, terminal 5 @ O'Hare (when I spent Lexi + Gabe's lay-over from their honeymoon in Spain @ a classy airport bar).
-A stack of cards from my Mother, ranging from "I hear it's bitter cold there, Mandy. Be safe and bundle up" to "Sure wish I could see your beautiful face and lovely smile. I will in the spring. Be safe and use your umbrella".
-"Electricity Free Game Night, Sunday @ 6PM," from Neil (more on that later)
-A couple more post-its that read: "SHOES! APPLES!" and "HAND CLAPS!"
-Oo crap! A notice from my building stating that my Billy Preston Exterminator will be going through the building and may enter my apartment, on Tuesday. I need to talk w/ management about this ...I love you Billy, it's not you, it's me (and my three cats).
And no, no state ID ...Hmph.
I mentioned my recent loss to Danger Mike + Gloria, at work on Monday.
Gloria: "$20 for a new one!? I know who I am, I don't need their card!"
Me: "Well, it'd only be $10 if I was renewing my ID but since I lost it ...$20"
Gloria: "You know, when I got a new one, they still used my photo from 10 yrs. ago! For all they know, I could change my look, I could be trying fool 'em. I could be a terrorist!"
Me: "Do you have something you'd like to tell me, Gloria?"
UPDATE!
After a sweaty day @ work, w/ the thoughts of my Tuesday morning being gobbled up by a Secretary of State visit, Lisa and I debated whether or not to make a pit stop at Dominick's, on the way home. Just as Glenlake came into sight, we opted to make the turn and go to Dominick's.
There we were in the produce section, Lisa w/ her lemon and I w/ my apples (yes, red delicious), when the woman who usually works the service desk walked towards me.
Service Desk Woman: "Hi ...You know, you left your ID at the service desk, last week"
Me: [blink!] "What!? ...Are you serious? Do you realize that I was going to go to the Secretary of State tomorrow morning ...Can I hug you!?"
Service Desk Woman: "Sure!"
[hug]
Me: "Thank you! Thank you! Oo my goodness!"
Service Desk Woman: "You can swing by the service desk and pick it up"
[insert in-store freak out dance ...!!]
Lisa: "Do you want to go to the service desk now!?"
Me: "YES!"
And there it was ...My state ID.
Me [to my state ID]: "I'm going to get a wallet for you."
Excuse me while I twirl myself silly.
Monday, March 26, 2007
My State ID card ran away, last week ...I can't say I blame it. I refused to get it a wallet, I often shoved it in my pocket or left it alone on my bookshelf. I'm positive I've dropped it numerous times and I'm sure its been shoved between the musty pages of a book or two. I even called around, retracing my steps, checking with a few buisnesses around town and being referred to as "ma'am," as in "Nope, sorry ma'am," "Let me check for you, ma'am [5 minutes later] Ma'am? No, I'm sorry ...ma'am," and "Just a second, ma'am, I can't hear you, could you speak up, ma'am?"...Nothing.
Short of issuing a full-on "Amber Alert," I opted to break my apartment up into sections for an in-depth search. I will never give up hope for you, State ID but it's dawned on me that you are gone and that I will have to schlep my way to the Secretary of State to (begrudgingly) get a new one.
[Yes, State ID. Those who know me know that I don't have a driver's license and actually I've never had one. "Why?" a question I generally answer with a shrug and "I just never really wanted one". Which I'm sure fuels assumptions that I'm in "recovery" ...No driver's license, I order coffee @ bars ...Great]
However, true to form, when looking for something, you'll always find things that you weren't looking for:
-Receipts, receipts, receipts ("Ah, on 2/12/07 I saved $16.37 @ Dominick's ...The kicker is that I only spent $20+ ...It's a keeper!")
-Six water bottle caps ("No Princess Milo, I can't pick you up right now ...Here, have a bottle cap. Fun! Woo!")
-Pennies upon pennies
-Pens upon pens ("Where is my fine-tipped black Sharpie? ...Ah ha! Yes, it's underneath the bookcase, behind the printer, next to Primo's long neglected wooden spoon!" To which I will use said Sharpie and put back underneath the bookcase, behind the printer, next to the wooden spoon ...Hey, I know where it is).
-"So that's where those X-Files trading cards that Tom sent me so long ago are!"
-Paycheck + bill-paid stubs (C'mon audit, I'm ready for you!)
-A stack of unread or rifled through Newcity, Chicago Readers, Red Eyes and a copy of Hoy! I once used for an impromptu umbrella.
-"Oo, my Metamucil sampler from a few months ago ...I wonder if that fiber cracker is still good? Hmm"
-A "Are You A Good Person?" pamphlet from downtown ...I have yet to take their "ultimate' test.
-Dunkin' Donuts "Sip, Scratch + Score!" card for a free donut (The question: Famed racing horse Man O' War won how many races out of his 21 starts? I scratched D 20, "You Win!")
-Glitter balls which have yet to make their way underneath the refrigerator (Save yourselves!).
-A post-it that reads: "Coffee? Carrot juice? 'Everything That Rises: A Book On Convergences' Weschler?"
-A pamphlet that Danger Mike recently gave me: "How To Describe A Suspect From The Unknown ...To The Known," thank you Danger.
-What was that? Where's my classical section? Under my sofa ...At least that's where I found my Mozart's Symphonies no. 40+41 disc.
-Directions + ETA, terminal 5 @ O'Hare (when I spent Lexi + Gabe's lay-over from their honeymoon in Spain @ a classy airport bar).
-A stack of cards from my Mother, ranging from "I hear it's bitter cold there, Mandy. Be safe and bundle up" to "Sure wish I could see your beautiful face and lovely smile. I will in the spring. Be safe and use your umbrella".
-"Electricity Free Game Night, Sunday @ 6PM," from Neil (more on that later)
-A couple more post-its that read: "SHOES! APPLES!" and "HAND CLAPS!"
-Oo crap! A notice from my building stating that my Billy Preston Exterminator will be going through the building and may enter my apartment, on Tuesday. I need to talk w/ management about this ...I love you Billy, it's not you, it's me (and my three cats).
And no, no state ID ...Hmph.
I mentioned my recent loss to Danger Mike + Gloria, at work on Monday.
Gloria: "$20 for a new one!? I know who I am, I don't need their card!"
Me: "Well, it'd only be $10 if I was renewing my ID but since I lost it ...$20"
Gloria: "You know, when I got a new one, they still used my photo from 10 yrs. ago! For all they know, I could change my look, I could be trying fool 'em. I could be a terrorist!"
Me: "Do you have something you'd like to tell me, Gloria?"
UPDATE!
After a sweaty day @ work, w/ the thoughts of my Tuesday morning being gobbled up by a Secretary of State visit, Lisa and I debated whether or not to make a pit stop at Dominick's, on the way home. Just as Glenlake came into sight, we opted to make the turn and go to Dominick's.
There we were in the produce section, Lisa w/ her lemon and I w/ my apples (yes, red delicious), when the woman who usually works the service desk walked towards me.
Service Desk Woman: "Hi ...You know, you left your ID at the service desk, last week"
Me: [blink!] "What!? ...Are you serious? Do you realize that I was going to go to the Secretary of State tomorrow morning ...Can I hug you!?"
Service Desk Woman: "Sure!"
[hug]
Me: "Thank you! Thank you! Oo my goodness!"
Service Desk Woman: "You can swing by the service desk and pick it up"
[insert in-store freak out dance ...!!]
Lisa: "Do you want to go to the service desk now!?"
Me: "YES!"
And there it was ...My state ID.
Me [to my state ID]: "I'm going to get a wallet for you."
Excuse me while I twirl myself silly.
Sunday, March 18, 2007
The Secret to Good Good Vibrations: Random Motes In 5 Parts
It's a fact: The radio in ISO 2 (at work) is well, crap. After spending 30 seconds too long trying to find a decent station, I finally came across a fuzzy oldies station. Joe, a caretaker was busy cleaning and I started my round of treatments -A dance of some sort, lacking in any form of coordination, since it's cramped quarters downstairs. A lot of "excuse me," "sorry," "whoops!" and "just one quick moment ...sorry" ...A spasmodic version of the Beach Boys' "Good Vibrations," came on.
Joe: "This the Beach Boys?"
Me: "Yep -Wouldn't be an 'oldies' station without at least 3 Beach Boys tunes, per hour."
Joe: "You know what band is better than the Beach Boys ...Man, umm ...Oo yeah! They're better than the Beach Boys -Huey Lewis & the News."
Me: "Oo yeah, they're ...fun."
___________
I came home to a message from Alexander:
"You are indier than I. You're even vegan! I could never compare. I give in to sin too often. I'm not even drunk!"
___________
Yesterday evening, Lisa came over for Thai food + taxes. As I waited for her downstairs, idling chatting w/ Xavier (front desk guy).
Xavier: "You don't eat any meat!?"
Me: "No"
Xavier: "So like fruits and vegetables?"
Me: Yep"
Xavier: "So lots of potatoes?"
Me: "Only as a precautionary measure and in case of a famine."
Enter Crystal, a "celebrity" (self-professed, mind you) neighbor. Crystal is a gay clown. He can often be seen wearing Mardi Gras beads of every color/size (Mr. T-style), Liberace sunglasses complete w/ red lenses, a half shirt (complete w/ potbelly poking through), rings on every finger and bodybuilder pants (you know, the ones w/ the gathered waist/cuffs + loud prints). On this (festive) occasion, Crystal was wearing a pointy green wizard's cap w/ fake elf ears attached and a neck-flap (which still kind of confuses me) and he had a few bags in hand.
Crystal: "I just got back from the most amazing crystal sale. This darling guy is selling an estate of crystals and gemstones and I just had to go! Oo my God, honey, lemme tell you, I could have moved in w/ this man for all of his wares. I just have to show you!"
[Crystal opens a bag and sets a few crystals of various colors/forms/detail onto the front desk]
Crystal: "I'm hanging this one up in my window -Oo it'll be fabulous, the light coming through. I'll wear this one, can you imagine? It's a crystal and my name is Crystal. I'm a celebrity." [Crystal holds up this wine-colored ...plastic ...crystal the size of a fist, to his chest, minus a gold chain]
Crystal: "Isn't Mother Nature ...awesome!? She made these for me. this man had @ least a half million dollars worth. Are you two ready for THE pride of all of my purchases!?"
[Crystal unwraps a thumb sized, iridescent piece of quartz]
Crystal: "Isn't this just fabulous!? Touch it! [hands it to Xavier] Hold it! C'mon, hold it!"
[Xavier takes the piece of quartz]
Crystal: "Isn't it just magical?"
Xavier: "Is this metal?"
Crystal: "Metal!? No, honey, Mother Earth made this! It's quartz ...It's perfect! No man could make something so magnificent. All the colors, the shine, the jagged edges. It's my prized piece."
Xavier: "Is it glued together?"
[Lisa, where are you?]
I'll spare you the rest but a few keynotes: Crystal has died twice, has had 3 open heart surgeries and is convinced that the latest self-help book "The Secret," is actually writen about him, for him. He fully intends on using the powers of "The Secret" and his gemstones to help him through an upcoming court battle w/ the state guardian (or something to that affect). I should also mention that Crystal is 20 yrs. sober.
And somehow I'm unfazed. Somehow retelling this event seems as ordinary as explaining the contents of my fridge (water, carrot juice, carrots, parsley, soymilk, vitamins and various condiments -no of which start w/ a "k" and/or a "mayo").
[Scott: Tell me a story.
Me: I met a gay clown named Crystal, today that has died twice and came back.
Scott: Whatttt? Are you lying?
Me: Nope, it's a true story -C'mon, even I couldn't make that shit up.
Scott: Y did u just curse....you neverrrrrrrrrrrrr curse!]
__________
Alexander called later on as he drove back from a LA video store, to share his inner St. Patrick's Day kvetch.
Alexander: "I fucking HATE Irish folk music! I hate it! Like, Nickelcreek, the brother/sister duo? They're good but I fucking hate it!"
Oo Alexander.
__________
I was explaining to Dave how I consider Dunkin' Donuts coffee beans as my "filler" beans. To extend the life of my "good" beans, I'll add a few Dunkin' Donuts beans, to which he summed up:
Dave: "So it's like the Hamburger Helper of coffee beans."
Oo Dave.
_________
Review:
-Huey Lewis + the News are better than the Beach Boys and "fun"!
-There's a "celebrity" gay clown named Crystal, living in my building who ironically enough collects crystals -Crystal has the power, he knows the secret.
-I did my taxes. (Though, I'm bitter that I can't claim Primo ...He's both an unique expense and a disabled "child")
-Alexander will forever hate Irish folk music so you can keep your copy of Brobdingnagian Bards.
-Dave's quick wit never sleeps and I now will forever associate Hamburger Helper w/ Dunkin' Donuts coffee.
-I not only never curse -I "neverrrrrrrrrrrrrr" curse
-Nick needs a hug: But don't squeeze too tight
Joe: "This the Beach Boys?"
Me: "Yep -Wouldn't be an 'oldies' station without at least 3 Beach Boys tunes, per hour."
Joe: "You know what band is better than the Beach Boys ...Man, umm ...Oo yeah! They're better than the Beach Boys -Huey Lewis & the News."
Me: "Oo yeah, they're ...fun."
___________
I came home to a message from Alexander:
"You are indier than I. You're even vegan! I could never compare. I give in to sin too often. I'm not even drunk!"
___________
Yesterday evening, Lisa came over for Thai food + taxes. As I waited for her downstairs, idling chatting w/ Xavier (front desk guy).
Xavier: "You don't eat any meat!?"
Me: "No"
Xavier: "So like fruits and vegetables?"
Me: Yep"
Xavier: "So lots of potatoes?"
Me: "Only as a precautionary measure and in case of a famine."
Enter Crystal, a "celebrity" (self-professed, mind you) neighbor. Crystal is a gay clown. He can often be seen wearing Mardi Gras beads of every color/size (Mr. T-style), Liberace sunglasses complete w/ red lenses, a half shirt (complete w/ potbelly poking through), rings on every finger and bodybuilder pants (you know, the ones w/ the gathered waist/cuffs + loud prints). On this (festive) occasion, Crystal was wearing a pointy green wizard's cap w/ fake elf ears attached and a neck-flap (which still kind of confuses me) and he had a few bags in hand.
Crystal: "I just got back from the most amazing crystal sale. This darling guy is selling an estate of crystals and gemstones and I just had to go! Oo my God, honey, lemme tell you, I could have moved in w/ this man for all of his wares. I just have to show you!"
[Crystal opens a bag and sets a few crystals of various colors/forms/detail onto the front desk]
Crystal: "I'm hanging this one up in my window -Oo it'll be fabulous, the light coming through. I'll wear this one, can you imagine? It's a crystal and my name is Crystal. I'm a celebrity." [Crystal holds up this wine-colored ...plastic ...crystal the size of a fist, to his chest, minus a gold chain]
Crystal: "Isn't Mother Nature ...awesome!? She made these for me. this man had @ least a half million dollars worth. Are you two ready for THE pride of all of my purchases!?"
[Crystal unwraps a thumb sized, iridescent piece of quartz]
Crystal: "Isn't this just fabulous!? Touch it! [hands it to Xavier] Hold it! C'mon, hold it!"
[Xavier takes the piece of quartz]
Crystal: "Isn't it just magical?"
Xavier: "Is this metal?"
Crystal: "Metal!? No, honey, Mother Earth made this! It's quartz ...It's perfect! No man could make something so magnificent. All the colors, the shine, the jagged edges. It's my prized piece."
Xavier: "Is it glued together?"
[Lisa, where are you?]
I'll spare you the rest but a few keynotes: Crystal has died twice, has had 3 open heart surgeries and is convinced that the latest self-help book "The Secret," is actually writen about him, for him. He fully intends on using the powers of "The Secret" and his gemstones to help him through an upcoming court battle w/ the state guardian (or something to that affect). I should also mention that Crystal is 20 yrs. sober.
And somehow I'm unfazed. Somehow retelling this event seems as ordinary as explaining the contents of my fridge (water, carrot juice, carrots, parsley, soymilk, vitamins and various condiments -no of which start w/ a "k" and/or a "mayo").
[Scott: Tell me a story.
Me: I met a gay clown named Crystal, today that has died twice and came back.
Scott: Whatttt? Are you lying?
Me: Nope, it's a true story -C'mon, even I couldn't make that shit up.
Scott: Y did u just curse....you neverrrrrrrrrrrrr curse!]
__________
Alexander called later on as he drove back from a LA video store, to share his inner St. Patrick's Day kvetch.
Alexander: "I fucking HATE Irish folk music! I hate it! Like, Nickelcreek, the brother/sister duo? They're good but I fucking hate it!"
Oo Alexander.
__________
I was explaining to Dave how I consider Dunkin' Donuts coffee beans as my "filler" beans. To extend the life of my "good" beans, I'll add a few Dunkin' Donuts beans, to which he summed up:
Dave: "So it's like the Hamburger Helper of coffee beans."
Oo Dave.
_________
Review:
-Huey Lewis + the News are better than the Beach Boys and "fun"!
-There's a "celebrity" gay clown named Crystal, living in my building who ironically enough collects crystals -Crystal has the power, he knows the secret.
-I did my taxes. (Though, I'm bitter that I can't claim Primo ...He's both an unique expense and a disabled "child")
-Alexander will forever hate Irish folk music so you can keep your copy of Brobdingnagian Bards.
-Dave's quick wit never sleeps and I now will forever associate Hamburger Helper w/ Dunkin' Donuts coffee.
-I not only never curse -I "neverrrrrrrrrrrrrr" curse
-Nick needs a hug: But don't squeeze too tight
Friday, March 16, 2007
Bobbing, Dodging + Weaving For Apples
Deja vu at the grocery store, this afternoon ...Only instead of peddlin' pineapples (like the last time -Oo "exotic" pineapple), the take-a-taste of the week: apples. Shiny, red, crisp, "triple-washed" ...ordinary apples. My wheely-cart and I walked right into their produce trap ...I could tell from the twinkle in this dedicated Dominick employee's eye (she had two), she was not only looking to give away free samples of this symbol of forbidden folklore ...She believed in the whole Malus domestica family.
[Note: My ipod is sick. It has a hardware cold and I've scheduled a check-up. In turn, I've been sans my little box of joy. My little white headphones that tell others "I see your lips moving but I didn't know you could sing."]
[Apple Lady spots me ...Do not make eye contact, do not make eye contact. I see the samples. Turn away, turn away ...Oo no! Our eyes meet! She's smiling. Her plastic gloves are reaching ...reaching for a sample ...Where's the parsley!? Must find parsley.]
Apple Peddler: "Hi there!"
[CRAP]
Apple Peddler: "I have some wonderful apple samplers for you!"
[For me? Just me? Really? All of this ...for me? Well ...]
Apple Peddler: "Here!"
Me: "Oo no, thank you"
Apple Peddler: "10lbs. for $10! I've been sneaking bites all day [fake embarrassed laughter]. I don't usually like apples but THESE apples are ...DELICIOUS. Like their name! [laughter]"
Me: [pressed smile] "No, no -Thank you, though ...I just ate."
[c'mon wheely-cart -PIVOT!]
Apple Peddler: "Oo yeah? What did you have?"
Me: "What? Uh, soup. Yep."
Apple Peddler: "That's not a meal! Here!" [thrusts 2 browning apple slices my way]
Me: "Have a nice evening"
Apple Peddler: "Aww ...Well ..."
Old Man [in a Bears play-off hat] "Whaddya got here?"
Apple Peddler: "Hi there! These are RED DELICIOUS apples"
Phew ...Wait, apples were on my list. I double-check my little orange notepad ...Yep: litter, fancy feast, oatmeal, toilet paper, parsley and RED DELICIOUS ...Hmm. Fine. I'll do it.
Apple Peddler: [eyes me, smiles] "See! I knew you wanted some!"
Wait, is that girl tired? No. Well maybe she's cold? No, that's not it. Wait, I know that look, that girl wants apples!
Cut to my return home ...I push my cart up to the front doors, spin around, kick my foot out at a ninety-degree angle to prop open the door, pull my cart in backwards, spin around.
John [building operations manager/opening the second set of doors for me]: "What's this crazy dance move you're doing?"
Me: "Oo, ha ...Just something I've been working on. Thanks."
John: "Oo, looks like you got some num-nums for the kitties"
[...Num-nums?]
Me: "Ah, yeah ...Actually, it's litter. It'll make them like me for about 10 minutes."
John: "And how are the kitties?"
[He asked me this yesterday and now that I think about it -He asks me this every time he sees me]
Me: "Oo, they're fine. Thanks. Have a good evening"
[to the elevator!]
And to think, I was actually going to "blog" a detailed list of "when I grow up" notions and the growing trend amongst my peers who are jumping ship to follow more fulfilling/self-affirming career paths. How do ya like them apples?
[Note: My ipod is sick. It has a hardware cold and I've scheduled a check-up. In turn, I've been sans my little box of joy. My little white headphones that tell others "I see your lips moving but I didn't know you could sing."]
[Apple Lady spots me ...Do not make eye contact, do not make eye contact. I see the samples. Turn away, turn away ...Oo no! Our eyes meet! She's smiling. Her plastic gloves are reaching ...reaching for a sample ...Where's the parsley!? Must find parsley.]
Apple Peddler: "Hi there!"
[CRAP]
Apple Peddler: "I have some wonderful apple samplers for you!"
[For me? Just me? Really? All of this ...for me? Well ...]
Apple Peddler: "Here!"
Me: "Oo no, thank you"
Apple Peddler: "10lbs. for $10! I've been sneaking bites all day [fake embarrassed laughter]. I don't usually like apples but THESE apples are ...DELICIOUS. Like their name! [laughter]"
Me: [pressed smile] "No, no -Thank you, though ...I just ate."
[c'mon wheely-cart -PIVOT!]
Apple Peddler: "Oo yeah? What did you have?"
Me: "What? Uh, soup. Yep."
Apple Peddler: "That's not a meal! Here!" [thrusts 2 browning apple slices my way]
Me: "Have a nice evening"
Apple Peddler: "Aww ...Well ..."
Old Man [in a Bears play-off hat] "Whaddya got here?"
Apple Peddler: "Hi there! These are RED DELICIOUS apples"
Phew ...Wait, apples were on my list. I double-check my little orange notepad ...Yep: litter, fancy feast, oatmeal, toilet paper, parsley and RED DELICIOUS ...Hmm. Fine. I'll do it.
Apple Peddler: [eyes me, smiles] "See! I knew you wanted some!"
Wait, is that girl tired? No. Well maybe she's cold? No, that's not it. Wait, I know that look, that girl wants apples!
Cut to my return home ...I push my cart up to the front doors, spin around, kick my foot out at a ninety-degree angle to prop open the door, pull my cart in backwards, spin around.
John [building operations manager/opening the second set of doors for me]: "What's this crazy dance move you're doing?"
Me: "Oo, ha ...Just something I've been working on. Thanks."
John: "Oo, looks like you got some num-nums for the kitties"
[...Num-nums?]
Me: "Ah, yeah ...Actually, it's litter. It'll make them like me for about 10 minutes."
John: "And how are the kitties?"
[He asked me this yesterday and now that I think about it -He asks me this every time he sees me]
Me: "Oo, they're fine. Thanks. Have a good evening"
[to the elevator!]
And to think, I was actually going to "blog" a detailed list of "when I grow up" notions and the growing trend amongst my peers who are jumping ship to follow more fulfilling/self-affirming career paths. How do ya like them apples?
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
Punxsutawney Phyllis: Will we have winter or will we have spr- Wait, is that a skirt or a belt?
For those of you who do not subscribe to the Punxsutawney Club newsletter, the events of Febuary 2nd may remain a matter of great befuddlement (If by some chance you are a subscriber of said newsletter, feel free to skip to the next paragraph). For those still with me: Punxsutawney Phil was caught sans shadow -Predicting an early spring.
Ah spring, when winter's ugly is deemed "fresh" and my dear friend Lexi starts plotting out her garden (to which I writhe in jealousy over as I stare out of 7th story high-rise apartment windows, playing "find a patch of grass" -She's going to plant chiles! She might have tomatoes!).
Today I bared witness to my own Punxsutawney Phil of some sort ...Ok, so my Phil is a Phyllis. She's also a retired "lady of the night," strongly resembles the love child of Divine and Richard Simmons, walks like a zombie and randomly giggles to herself while riding up the elevator (as though she's suddenly filled with some long lost childhood innocence -"Weee!").
Spring is in the air when "Phyllis" starts dressing in her short minis (Skirt? Belt? No no that has to be a skirt ...Or wait ...Hmm, I think I see a tag), her pre-shrunk (and then shrunk again) tops, Mr. T sunglasses and sandals (that are long past their milage). I'll spot her in the mailroom or we'll cross paths (with her back and forth fishermen sway) in the lobby. Our conversations are generally brief ..."Arf," I take as a "hello" and "egh," as a "lovely day isn't it?" ...There are times our conversations are based solely in the buzzing of the elevator and then true to form, as though just waking up, she'll stare @ me, look me up and down and in a jazzy tone mutter (with questioning undertones) "Heyyy ...I haven't seeen you in a while, egh?" The only real meaty tidbits have included: 1. "I almost went into porn" and 2. "Heeyy, my boyfriend is a Jew. They're good." ...Oo Punxsutawney "Phyllis".
There I was, this morning, steaming cup of coffee in hand (messy hair to boot), heading towards my building's enterance ...And there she was, standing in a full slouch, outside. A smear of white denim (a skirt, I'm almost postive), a cobalt blue crushed velvet cropped top complete with exposed sports bra (in the ever so popular amongst women of the wintering age, "nude" hue), Mr. T sunglasses, gold flip flops only visable by the thong between her toes. Amongst her white-girl fro, Day-glo yellow headphones the size of earmuffs (My dime is on Lisa Lisa or Blondie) and a long/slim cigarette pressed between her lips. I lowered my coffee cup, gave my best polite/pressed smile (truth be told, I was passing smiles out left + right, all morning) ...I smelled the menthol, new soil, a lake-filled breeze, Old Spice (perhaps from her "Jew boyfriend") and wet cement.
Punxsutawney Phyllis: "Egh"
Me: "G'morning"
Punxsutawney Phyllis then moved to the side, out of the sun, for me to pass and just like that her shadow disappeared.
Spring! Ah, spring! You're here! Hooray!
And now for a few random tidbits:
-I think my life is lacking a good game of Balderdash.
-Alexander is not an Aphgani (And his middle name is NOT Sayid).
-Today (Wednesday proper) was both National Potato Chip Day + National Pi Day ...I forgot to celebrate either, sigh.
-Josh was beat up by a mic stand, Tuesday night and yes, he knows he is in need of a frozen bag of peas.
-I still can't get over Lexi's gardening prospects ...Oo wait, I think I see a patch of grass.
Ah spring, when winter's ugly is deemed "fresh" and my dear friend Lexi starts plotting out her garden (to which I writhe in jealousy over as I stare out of 7th story high-rise apartment windows, playing "find a patch of grass" -She's going to plant chiles! She might have tomatoes!).
Today I bared witness to my own Punxsutawney Phil of some sort ...Ok, so my Phil is a Phyllis. She's also a retired "lady of the night," strongly resembles the love child of Divine and Richard Simmons, walks like a zombie and randomly giggles to herself while riding up the elevator (as though she's suddenly filled with some long lost childhood innocence -"Weee!").
Spring is in the air when "Phyllis" starts dressing in her short minis (Skirt? Belt? No no that has to be a skirt ...Or wait ...Hmm, I think I see a tag), her pre-shrunk (and then shrunk again) tops, Mr. T sunglasses and sandals (that are long past their milage). I'll spot her in the mailroom or we'll cross paths (with her back and forth fishermen sway) in the lobby. Our conversations are generally brief ..."Arf," I take as a "hello" and "egh," as a "lovely day isn't it?" ...There are times our conversations are based solely in the buzzing of the elevator and then true to form, as though just waking up, she'll stare @ me, look me up and down and in a jazzy tone mutter (with questioning undertones) "Heyyy ...I haven't seeen you in a while, egh?" The only real meaty tidbits have included: 1. "I almost went into porn" and 2. "Heeyy, my boyfriend is a Jew. They're good." ...Oo Punxsutawney "Phyllis".
There I was, this morning, steaming cup of coffee in hand (messy hair to boot), heading towards my building's enterance ...And there she was, standing in a full slouch, outside. A smear of white denim (a skirt, I'm almost postive), a cobalt blue crushed velvet cropped top complete with exposed sports bra (in the ever so popular amongst women of the wintering age, "nude" hue), Mr. T sunglasses, gold flip flops only visable by the thong between her toes. Amongst her white-girl fro, Day-glo yellow headphones the size of earmuffs (My dime is on Lisa Lisa or Blondie) and a long/slim cigarette pressed between her lips. I lowered my coffee cup, gave my best polite/pressed smile (truth be told, I was passing smiles out left + right, all morning) ...I smelled the menthol, new soil, a lake-filled breeze, Old Spice (perhaps from her "Jew boyfriend") and wet cement.
Punxsutawney Phyllis: "Egh"
Me: "G'morning"
Punxsutawney Phyllis then moved to the side, out of the sun, for me to pass and just like that her shadow disappeared.
Spring! Ah, spring! You're here! Hooray!
And now for a few random tidbits:
-I think my life is lacking a good game of Balderdash.
-Alexander is not an Aphgani (And his middle name is NOT Sayid).
-Today (Wednesday proper) was both National Potato Chip Day + National Pi Day ...I forgot to celebrate either, sigh.
-Josh was beat up by a mic stand, Tuesday night and yes, he knows he is in need of a frozen bag of peas.
-I still can't get over Lexi's gardening prospects ...Oo wait, I think I see a patch of grass.
Sunday, March 11, 2007
Elevators Never Go Fast Enough, Even For Angels
Welcome! Our special tonight is a hearty dose of creepiness served awkwardly fresh and w/ a sprig of mint.
I returned to my building, after a brief errand, this evening to a post-it note on the front lobby's door: "Went to use the restroom, be back in 5 mins." -I no sooner read "mins" (Afterall, abbreviations are quick) when Xavier (newbie-front desk guy) came running to the front door, from a back office.
Xavier: [opens door] "I was watching you on the camera, crossing the street!"
Me: "Oh ...well, thanks for getting the door"
Xavier: "No problem ...I like watching you. I'd like to watch you sleep"
Me: [hits the elevator "up" button so hard that if I had long fingernails, I'm sure they would have chipped] "Ah ...ok ...Have a goodnight!"
Xavier: "Oo, you too, you too!"
Mental thought: "Deadbolt, deadbolt, deadbolt"
So this is my appeal to Xavier: Please, please keep falling asleep behind the front desk ...Please, please keep leaving post-it notes and neglecting your work duties. Keep it up ...Please?
Last Weds., my day off, I had a to-do list of sundry -Including a pit-stop @ work. I step off of the Argyle stop and as I walk out of the station doors, I naturally hold the door open for the fella behind me (Fellas, elderly Asian women, chatty cellphone fashionistas -My door-opening moral-compass shows no discretion!). I should note that this fella strongly resembled my Billy Preston lookalike exterminator, if he had a son.
Billy Preston Jr.: "Thank you miss! Not many people do that nowadays!"
Me: 'Why do you think I do it?"
Billy Preston Jr.: [beats chest Kong-style] YOU HAVE INSPIRED ME! YOU HAVE REJUVENATED ME! YOU ARE ...AN ANGEL!
Me: "Have a good day, sir!"
Billy Preston Jr.: "YOU TOO! YOU TOO!"
I no sooner take a half step, from my run-in w/ Billy Preston, Jr.-KONG STYLE, when I'm met w/ another man, who stood as though he was fighting gravity.
Anti-Gravity Man: "Hey maammaaa, you got 50 cents? I gotta get on the train."
Me: "No, sorry"
[10 minutes later, on my way back to the train, I pass the same man]
Anti-Gravity Man: "Hey maammaaa, you got 75 cents? I gotta get on the train."
Me: "Rates going up that quickly, hmm?"
Anti-Gravity Man: "Damn CTA!"
Oo Chicago, Oo my neighborhood.
In other news: Walgreen's was kind enough to send me an email of their latest flyer. Quaker Oatmeal $1.99 w/ coupon -I'm there!
I returned to my building, after a brief errand, this evening to a post-it note on the front lobby's door: "Went to use the restroom, be back in 5 mins." -I no sooner read "mins" (Afterall, abbreviations are quick) when Xavier (newbie-front desk guy) came running to the front door, from a back office.
Xavier: [opens door] "I was watching you on the camera, crossing the street!"
Me: "Oh ...well, thanks for getting the door"
Xavier: "No problem ...I like watching you. I'd like to watch you sleep"
Me: [hits the elevator "up" button so hard that if I had long fingernails, I'm sure they would have chipped] "Ah ...ok ...Have a goodnight!"
Xavier: "Oo, you too, you too!"
Mental thought: "Deadbolt, deadbolt, deadbolt"
So this is my appeal to Xavier: Please, please keep falling asleep behind the front desk ...Please, please keep leaving post-it notes and neglecting your work duties. Keep it up ...Please?
Last Weds., my day off, I had a to-do list of sundry -Including a pit-stop @ work. I step off of the Argyle stop and as I walk out of the station doors, I naturally hold the door open for the fella behind me (Fellas, elderly Asian women, chatty cellphone fashionistas -My door-opening moral-compass shows no discretion!). I should note that this fella strongly resembled my Billy Preston lookalike exterminator, if he had a son.
Billy Preston Jr.: "Thank you miss! Not many people do that nowadays!"
Me: 'Why do you think I do it?"
Billy Preston Jr.: [beats chest Kong-style] YOU HAVE INSPIRED ME! YOU HAVE REJUVENATED ME! YOU ARE ...AN ANGEL!
Me: "Have a good day, sir!"
Billy Preston Jr.: "YOU TOO! YOU TOO!"
I no sooner take a half step, from my run-in w/ Billy Preston, Jr.-KONG STYLE, when I'm met w/ another man, who stood as though he was fighting gravity.
Anti-Gravity Man: "Hey maammaaa, you got 50 cents? I gotta get on the train."
Me: "No, sorry"
[10 minutes later, on my way back to the train, I pass the same man]
Anti-Gravity Man: "Hey maammaaa, you got 75 cents? I gotta get on the train."
Me: "Rates going up that quickly, hmm?"
Anti-Gravity Man: "Damn CTA!"
Oo Chicago, Oo my neighborhood.
In other news: Walgreen's was kind enough to send me an email of their latest flyer. Quaker Oatmeal $1.99 w/ coupon -I'm there!
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