10AM rolled around yesterday (as it usually does) and there I was -Shoes on, hair pulled back, rubbing sleep from my eyes. I had a handful of things I could be doing or rather should have been doing (or would overall rather be doing) but every time I thought of such a list, I feared the phone ringing -It's my date w/ Homeland Security! So I sat there sipping my coffee and trying to control my escalating annoyance (Orange Alert!) towards this no-face Homeland Security officer -10:05, 10:10, 10:15, 10:20 ...Why, why did I agree to this!? I'm being held hostage by Homeland Security and a neighbor I don't even know!
Sunday: 2:20PM, I had 5 minutes to spare before leaving for work. Music blaring, toothbrush in mouth, hopping around as I put my shoes on -Keys? Where are my keys? A-ha!
[Ring, ring]
Mental note: Argh! [look @ caller ID] Telemarketer! Fine.
Me: "HELLO?" [I neglected to turn down my stereo]
Man: "Hello, is this Ms. Amanda Jordyn Phelps?"
Me: "YES, it IS"
Man: "Hello, this is Homeland Security ..."
Me: "Oo ...Hi!"
Whoops. I'm great w/ first impressions -I was under the impression that this interview would be via phone ...And I was wrong. Face to face, 10AM Tuesday, my building's lobby. Great.
Me: "We can meet in my building's lobby, if that's ok. Afterall, you are a stranger" (I added that last bit for pure amusement).
Monday, 1020AM:
[Ring, ring]
Meredith (front desk lady extraordinaire): "Amanda, honey -There's a man here for you ...from Homeland Security" (said w/ much hesitation, I might add)
Me: "I'll be right down!"
(Mental note: Oo no, Meredith's imagination is getting the best of her. I'll have to explain this to her or be subject to her raised eyebrow stare).
(I didn't catch his name but he did show me a badge -Which I guess makes me a statistic of naivete. What did he look like? Think X-Files "Cancer Man" meets John Goodman minus any form of humor, sans earpiece)
HS: "Ms. Phelps? Hello"
[handshake ...He had HUGE hands. We walk into the "sitting room" within the lobby]
HS Man: "Thank you for your time. Blah blah neighbor applied for blah blah blah just a few questions blah blah."
Me: "I know that he mentioned he's not very close w/ his neighbors and that's true."
(Let my verbal diarrhea begin!)
HS: "Yes but that's not as important as what you've SEEN"
Me: "Ok ..."
HS: "How long have you lived in this building?"
Me: "Almost 5 yrs."
HS: "Almost?"
(He was taking notes on EVERYTHING ...He scribbled "Almost")
HS: "Blah blah blah"
Me: "Blah blah blah"
HS: "How often do you see him around the building?"
Me: "I've seen him in uniform a handful of times ...Probably 4 or 5 times throughout the week."
HS: "Where do you usually see him?"
Me: "Er ...The mailroom, elevator, down the hall ..."
(Notes, notes, notes)
HS: "And there's never been any sort of disturbance?"
Me: "No, never. He seems, from what little I know of him, to be an upstanding guy, quiet, low-key, polite ..."
(scribbles "polite"!)
HS: "Do you know anything about his "natural" status?"
(Mental note: What? Oo brother ...)
Me: "I don't know anything about that, sorry"
HS: "I only ask to make sure that he stands by his country, blah blah blah"
Me: "Oo um, yeah, I don't know him that well @ all ...Like I said though, he seems to be a rather conservative guy -Quiet, low-key, polite ...But not quiet in an offish way"
(Where are my paddles!? This ship is going down!)
HS: "Very good. I've met him and I would agree with you."
Me: "Well there were a few times he didn't hold the elevator for me ...Haha ...ha ...?"
HS: (Silent -Note taking)
(Mental Note: Crap!)
The "interview" lasted for another 10 minutes. He asked where I moved from, double-checked the spelling of my last name, where I go to school/where I work. Eventually I reverted to my usual conversation filler "It seems mighty windy outside" but he wasn't taking the bait. We shook hands, a "have a nice day" exchange. As I turned the corner, towards Meredith, she shot me a "Are you ok, girl?" glance -I smiled, slight nod.
I caught the elevator back to my apartment w/ my building's Billy Preston look-a-like exterminator (The smell of his Wash n' Curl shampoo filling my nostrils).
Billy Preston: "You ok, girl? You look good ...Lemme look at you ...Good, you lookin' good today. So pretty."
Me: "Thanks ...Yeah, I'm ok. Just an interview for a neighbor"
Billy Preston: "Is it ok if I'm friendly w/ you?"
Me: "I have a FBI agent downstairs!"
[laughter ...Come on 7th floor! 5-6-7 -Ding!]
Me: "Have a good day!"
Billy Preston: "Good seein' you, girl. You have yourself a beautiful day!"
Overall, I'd rate my Homeland Security "interview" as boring, anticlimactic, borderline awkward and chocked full o' some tasty morsels of BS.
My "cop neighbor" better: A. Get the job, B. Send me a fruit basket -extra kiwi.
I better: A. Not be audited this year, B. (as Marshall suggested) check myself for radiation.
In other news, my long lost bro is back and I for one couldn't be happier.
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