Stop Me If You've Heard This One Before [Working Title: There's Shit In My Eggs]

Redline, southbound, 1030AM, en route to work:

[A couple seated facing the train's doorway, a few black bags amongst them. Guy dressed in jeans, faded black leather jacket, a haphazardly placed ball cap. Woman hair completely tucked up a hankerchief, tied @ the front. Both talking @ a volume that won out over the sound of the train. I take a nearby seat].

Guy: "Gimme some fuckin' pancakes, some motherfuckin' syrup ..."
Woman: "Powdered sugar! Some fuckin' powder sugar!"
Guy: "Some motherfuckin' pancakes with syrup and some motherfuckin' powdered sugar!"
Woman: "I'd do that for you! I put some powdered sugar on that shit!"
Guy: "Yeah, put some damn syrup, some fuckin' whipped motherfuckin' cream, powdered sugar! Gimme some fuckin' pancakes, bitch!"
Woman: "Strawberries!"
Guy: "Shit yeah ...Strawberries. I love anything red. I love anything red so pile on some fuckin' strawberries!"
Woman: "Fuckin' bum o'clock!"
[Mental note: ??]
Woman: "Shit eggs! I put some fuckin' syrup on your shit eggs!"
Guy: "Shit eggs! Damn right you put syrup all over that shit!"
Womam: "Shit eggs for breakfast!"
[laughter w/ the woman repeating "shit eggs" 4+ times]
Guy: "What the fuck you talkin' bout bitch!?"
Woman: "I got your bitch right here! I be a bitchy bitch ...Not Richie Rich but a bitchy bitch!"
[laughter]
Guy: "Jay-Z is a fuckin' prick"
Woman: "You a man after my own heart! This car be rockin' n' rollin'!"
Guy: [mock Jamacian accent] "Come to my island!"
Woman: "We be in Hawaii"
[woman starts to do some for of hula. I stand up, my stop is next]
Guy: "Look @ that girl ...What she wearin'? Look @ her STYLE!"
Woman: "Oo leave her alone"
Guy: "For real ...What color that coat? I want to go shoppin' with her! Get me some platform shoes!"
[laughter]
Guy: "I take her to Target!"
[I arrive @ my stop + I step off. I could hear their laughter as the train pulled away]

For the record, the coat I was wearing is orange, though recently a coworker referred to it as mango. If only it were red ...
____________

Lately, I've been thinking of all the conversations that I routinely have ...Chances are you have a few yourself. Banausos conversation at it's finest. Like those stories that fit a certain topic, though those around you change ...Moments where a story that you've told a handful of times, fits perfectly within context ...Or explanations to the usual questions "Where are you from?" or "What do you do?" ...You know the same pre-rehearsed answers, that will never change and you tell them the exact same way, each time.

I've been able to concoct a list of my most popular repeat-offender explanations that make their way into my conversations almost weekly. Such a answers are near auto-pilot by now and chances are I've probably said these exact same things to you or around you.

1. "So what do you do?," "Do you work retail?," "So are you a student?," "Do you work in such and such an industry?" [insert: art, design, anthropologic, music, literary, coffee, modeling, health, land surveying, extreme ironing, etc.].

Auto-pilot Answer: "I work for a non-for-profit, no-kill cat shelter ..." blah, blah, blah ...Then I mention that I got into it because I have a diabetic cat, which turns into: "He's insulin dependent, 2x daily," "Yes, injections, twice daily," "No, cats can develop diabetes ...It was a big shock when he crashed," "It keeps me busy, I like that ...If I had to work in a cubicle, I'd sceam. This job keeps me on my toes." I then add a few comments about how it's a satisfying job, I feel as though I'm doing something worthwhile, noble, that "No, I don't plan on being a vet," "Sure, I like animals," which goes into my "I'm not a crazed cat lady" disclaimer and I sum it all up with "Kittens are overrated," "I can't believe I have 3 cats, I wonder where they come from most of the time" or "I was a dog person when I first moved here." Then I try to backtrack and mention art, design, writing, certified nutritionist "but I won't tell you to get rid of your microwave!".

2. "Where'd you come from?" or "Where are you from?"

Auto-pilot Answer: "Oo well, I moved here from Michigan BUT I was born on the east coast," which is followed with a brief and longer than need be explanation: "Well, I was born in New Hampshire, spent time in Boston starting @ 3 mths. [insert surgery/birth defect story which stars the Boston's Children Hospital and hand motions to my upper lip. Person: "I would never have noticed," Me: "Thank you, I usually tell those who do notice I was attacked by a dog" (cue the awkward laughter)]. I mention living for 2 yrs. in Houston, then Michigan and that I moved to Chicago 5 yrs. ago "on my birthday, with a kitten I had adopted a week before. I had never seen my apartment until the day I moved in".

3. "Is that all your real hair?"

Auto-pilot Answer: "Ah yes, it's my real hair," "Yes, it's all mine," "Yeah, I have a lot of hair," and/or "I used to have short hair but I've been growing it out for about 3 yrs. now. That's what you do when you've had your hair short for quite some time. You cut it for a change and then you grow it out for a change. Those the brokes." And the omnipresent: Person: "Did you do something different with your hair?," Me: "I washed it! [har har]".

4. "Do you need room for cream/sugar?" or "You drink your coffee black?"

Auto-pilot answer: "No thank you, just black ...I'm one of THOSE people" [I'm not even really sure what I mean by that when I say it ...It could be a pre-caffeinated attempt @ chit-chattin' charm]. "I'm a coffee purist," or I break into some long-winded mini-rant about how real coffee drinkers just drink black, making mention of a repeated "just black" run-in @ Dunkin Donuts (Yeah, that story ...You all know it) and I probably sprinkle in a "I'm a coffee snob," here or there.

5. "So you're a vegan?" or "You don't eat any meat?"

Auto-pilot Answer: "Yes but don't worry, I don't have any videos for you to watch or pamphlets for you to read," which is followed by "It's really just for myself, you can eat meat in front of me I won't utter the word 'murder," I just really don't have the taste for meat," and in some half-ditch effort to seem relatable "I was raised in a steak eating family," as though to reassure you that I'm not really from the planet Crouton. Sometimes people will inquire what I do eat and then I spout (not sprout) off about my love for falafel and how I love fiber. Actually, my love for fiber could be a sub-auto-pilot answer to this question -Which ends with "Orange Metamucil tastes like flat orange soda -I love it!" [Though, I think my new response will be "I love anything red!]

6. "So what kind of music do you like?," "What do you listen to?" or "What kind of music are you into?"

Auto-pilot Answer: [blank stare]