Sunday, May 27, 2007

A Penny Earned, Is A Penny Overcharged: When I Say "Fun," You Say "Math!"

This evening, post-work, I had to go to the grocery store for litter and cat food (It's in my cats' contracts, hence "had").
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Sidenote: Whenever you use your "value" card, your name prints on your receipt. Now my local Dominicks, in an effort to raise the bar in customer service, addresses you by your name as they hand you your change. Example:

Cashier: "Thank you very much ...Ms. Phillips ...er, Phelps ...You just saved $1.63! Have a great day, Ms. Phillips!"
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As I pushed my wheely-cart out of the check-out lane ($1.63 saved in tow), I overheard a woman at a nearby lane.

Woman: (to cashier) "Um, yeah -Excuse me? Ah, yeah ...You overcharged me 4 cents on an item!"

Let's stop and think about this for a moment ..."overcharged" ... "4 cents" ...Hmm. Memorial Day-eve, grocery store that is closing (early) within 5 minutes and this woman has been "overcharged" and took the time to compute "4 cents".

This moment has stuck with me throughout my evening (in my defense, I've been doing laundry which lends itself to such thoughts) ...I haven't been able to shake it for two reasons:

1. The fact that the guy in front of me, attempting to purchase what could be argued as the bare necessities (orange juice, milk, Safeway-brand cereal, bread, sliced cheese and I think I saw some bananas thrown in the mix) was turned away because his Link card wouldn't go through, after multiple tries. While the man behind me huffed and puffed at the delay, I took a nonchalant stance, polite smile and caught up on my tabloid headlines (Kelly Ripa is going to make her marriage work and apparently Tammy Fay has a lot to say on her deathbed). I would have faked a charlie horse if it would have eased any of the embarrassment the man in front of me was obviously feeling, as he apologetically left the lane.

2. Four pennies, 4 cents. Just what were this woman's intentions with what could arguably be four tarnished pieces of obsolete currency? And maybe more importantly, what on Earth can you buy nowadays for 4 cents?

After leafing through Dominicks' latest Sunday supplement, calculator at hand, I came up with a semi-accurate/quasi-mathematical list of items this woman could have purchased with her 4 cents:

-1/2 of 1 California sweet cherry
-1/16 of a pork spare rib
-The crumbs at the bottom of 1 bag of Lay's Classic potato chips (Lay's latest slogan is "100% joy," 4 cents barely teeters on 1% of joy)
-1 thimble's worth of Corona beer
-What I could only compute as a pinhead of Lucerne colby jack cheese (which is only a step above government cheese)
-The misplaced ugly stem of 1 Claussen pickle
-2 kidney beans (minus icky canning goo ...But only through Sunday, when the sale ends and then it's only icky canning goo)
-The butt end or a thumb nail's equivalent of 1 Ballpark frank
-The skin of 1 Vidalia onion
-Less than 1/64 of 1lb. of rainbow trout (maybe a fin or if the fish monger was in a charitable mood, 1/2 a tail fin)
-1/2 of 1 peanut, unsalted
-According to my calculator: "She's not getting any swordfish"

I took it a step further and computed:

-15 seconds worth of 1 minute of long distance, which equals the "Hel" of "Hello"
-1/2 minute as a Dominicks employee (according to hourly wage)

Overall, she could never afford my personal fee for the amount of think-space this mere moment has cost me over the course of this evening ...And I'm sure you have your own fee ...I mean, you read this, didn't you?
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Sidenote/Self-Indulgent Promotion: My first piece/review for Literago (Chicago's own literary news/info go-to spot) has been posted ...Please feel free to give it a look (or two) and while you're at it, browse the rest of Literago's offerings. A special thanks to Gretchen and Eugenia.

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