A Penny Earned, Is A Penny Overcharged: When I Say "Fun," You Say "Math!"

This evening, post-work, I had to go to the grocery store for litter and cat food (It's in my cats' contracts, hence "had").
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Sidenote: Whenever you use your "value" card, your name prints on your receipt. Now my local Dominicks, in an effort to raise the bar in customer service, addresses you by your name as they hand you your change. Example:

Cashier: "Thank you very much ...Ms. Phillips ...er, Phelps ...You just saved $1.63! Have a great day, Ms. Phillips!"
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As I pushed my wheely-cart out of the check-out lane ($1.63 saved in tow), I overheard a woman at a nearby lane.

Woman: (to cashier) "Um, yeah -Excuse me? Ah, yeah ...You overcharged me 4 cents on an item!"

Let's stop and think about this for a moment ..."overcharged" ... "4 cents" ...Hmm. Memorial Day-eve, grocery store that is closing (early) within 5 minutes and this woman has been "overcharged" and took the time to compute "4 cents".

This moment has stuck with me throughout my evening (in my defense, I've been doing laundry which lends itself to such thoughts) ...I haven't been able to shake it for two reasons:

1. The fact that the guy in front of me, attempting to purchase what could be argued as the bare necessities (orange juice, milk, Safeway-brand cereal, bread, sliced cheese and I think I saw some bananas thrown in the mix) was turned away because his Link card wouldn't go through, after multiple tries. While the man behind me huffed and puffed at the delay, I took a nonchalant stance, polite smile and caught up on my tabloid headlines (Kelly Ripa is going to make her marriage work and apparently Tammy Fay has a lot to say on her deathbed). I would have faked a charlie horse if it would have eased any of the embarrassment the man in front of me was obviously feeling, as he apologetically left the lane.

2. Four pennies, 4 cents. Just what were this woman's intentions with what could arguably be four tarnished pieces of obsolete currency? And maybe more importantly, what on Earth can you buy nowadays for 4 cents?

After leafing through Dominicks' latest Sunday supplement, calculator at hand, I came up with a semi-accurate/quasi-mathematical list of items this woman could have purchased with her 4 cents:

-1/2 of 1 California sweet cherry
-1/16 of a pork spare rib
-The crumbs at the bottom of 1 bag of Lay's Classic potato chips (Lay's latest slogan is "100% joy," 4 cents barely teeters on 1% of joy)
-1 thimble's worth of Corona beer
-What I could only compute as a pinhead of Lucerne colby jack cheese (which is only a step above government cheese)
-The misplaced ugly stem of 1 Claussen pickle
-2 kidney beans (minus icky canning goo ...But only through Sunday, when the sale ends and then it's only icky canning goo)
-The butt end or a thumb nail's equivalent of 1 Ballpark frank
-The skin of 1 Vidalia onion
-Less than 1/64 of 1lb. of rainbow trout (maybe a fin or if the fish monger was in a charitable mood, 1/2 a tail fin)
-1/2 of 1 peanut, unsalted
-According to my calculator: "She's not getting any swordfish"

I took it a step further and computed:

-15 seconds worth of 1 minute of long distance, which equals the "Hel" of "Hello"
-1/2 minute as a Dominicks employee (according to hourly wage)

Overall, she could never afford my personal fee for the amount of think-space this mere moment has cost me over the course of this evening ...And I'm sure you have your own fee ...I mean, you read this, didn't you?
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Sidenote/Self-Indulgent Promotion: My first piece/review for Literago (Chicago's own literary news/info go-to spot) has been posted ...Please feel free to give it a look (or two) and while you're at it, browse the rest of Literago's offerings. A special thanks to Gretchen and Eugenia.

Stop Me If You've Heard This One Before [Working Title: There's Shit In My Eggs]

Redline, southbound, 1030AM, en route to work:

[A couple seated facing the train's doorway, a few black bags amongst them. Guy dressed in jeans, faded black leather jacket, a haphazardly placed ball cap. Woman hair completely tucked up a hankerchief, tied @ the front. Both talking @ a volume that won out over the sound of the train. I take a nearby seat].

Guy: "Gimme some fuckin' pancakes, some motherfuckin' syrup ..."
Woman: "Powdered sugar! Some fuckin' powder sugar!"
Guy: "Some motherfuckin' pancakes with syrup and some motherfuckin' powdered sugar!"
Woman: "I'd do that for you! I put some powdered sugar on that shit!"
Guy: "Yeah, put some damn syrup, some fuckin' whipped motherfuckin' cream, powdered sugar! Gimme some fuckin' pancakes, bitch!"
Woman: "Strawberries!"
Guy: "Shit yeah ...Strawberries. I love anything red. I love anything red so pile on some fuckin' strawberries!"
Woman: "Fuckin' bum o'clock!"
[Mental note: ??]
Woman: "Shit eggs! I put some fuckin' syrup on your shit eggs!"
Guy: "Shit eggs! Damn right you put syrup all over that shit!"
Womam: "Shit eggs for breakfast!"
[laughter w/ the woman repeating "shit eggs" 4+ times]
Guy: "What the fuck you talkin' bout bitch!?"
Woman: "I got your bitch right here! I be a bitchy bitch ...Not Richie Rich but a bitchy bitch!"
[laughter]
Guy: "Jay-Z is a fuckin' prick"
Woman: "You a man after my own heart! This car be rockin' n' rollin'!"
Guy: [mock Jamacian accent] "Come to my island!"
Woman: "We be in Hawaii"
[woman starts to do some for of hula. I stand up, my stop is next]
Guy: "Look @ that girl ...What she wearin'? Look @ her STYLE!"
Woman: "Oo leave her alone"
Guy: "For real ...What color that coat? I want to go shoppin' with her! Get me some platform shoes!"
[laughter]
Guy: "I take her to Target!"
[I arrive @ my stop + I step off. I could hear their laughter as the train pulled away]

For the record, the coat I was wearing is orange, though recently a coworker referred to it as mango. If only it were red ...
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Lately, I've been thinking of all the conversations that I routinely have ...Chances are you have a few yourself. Banausos conversation at it's finest. Like those stories that fit a certain topic, though those around you change ...Moments where a story that you've told a handful of times, fits perfectly within context ...Or explanations to the usual questions "Where are you from?" or "What do you do?" ...You know the same pre-rehearsed answers, that will never change and you tell them the exact same way, each time.

I've been able to concoct a list of my most popular repeat-offender explanations that make their way into my conversations almost weekly. Such a answers are near auto-pilot by now and chances are I've probably said these exact same things to you or around you.

1. "So what do you do?," "Do you work retail?," "So are you a student?," "Do you work in such and such an industry?" [insert: art, design, anthropologic, music, literary, coffee, modeling, health, land surveying, extreme ironing, etc.].

Auto-pilot Answer: "I work for a non-for-profit, no-kill cat shelter ..." blah, blah, blah ...Then I mention that I got into it because I have a diabetic cat, which turns into: "He's insulin dependent, 2x daily," "Yes, injections, twice daily," "No, cats can develop diabetes ...It was a big shock when he crashed," "It keeps me busy, I like that ...If I had to work in a cubicle, I'd sceam. This job keeps me on my toes." I then add a few comments about how it's a satisfying job, I feel as though I'm doing something worthwhile, noble, that "No, I don't plan on being a vet," "Sure, I like animals," which goes into my "I'm not a crazed cat lady" disclaimer and I sum it all up with "Kittens are overrated," "I can't believe I have 3 cats, I wonder where they come from most of the time" or "I was a dog person when I first moved here." Then I try to backtrack and mention art, design, writing, certified nutritionist "but I won't tell you to get rid of your microwave!".

2. "Where'd you come from?" or "Where are you from?"

Auto-pilot Answer: "Oo well, I moved here from Michigan BUT I was born on the east coast," which is followed with a brief and longer than need be explanation: "Well, I was born in New Hampshire, spent time in Boston starting @ 3 mths. [insert surgery/birth defect story which stars the Boston's Children Hospital and hand motions to my upper lip. Person: "I would never have noticed," Me: "Thank you, I usually tell those who do notice I was attacked by a dog" (cue the awkward laughter)]. I mention living for 2 yrs. in Houston, then Michigan and that I moved to Chicago 5 yrs. ago "on my birthday, with a kitten I had adopted a week before. I had never seen my apartment until the day I moved in".

3. "Is that all your real hair?"

Auto-pilot Answer: "Ah yes, it's my real hair," "Yes, it's all mine," "Yeah, I have a lot of hair," and/or "I used to have short hair but I've been growing it out for about 3 yrs. now. That's what you do when you've had your hair short for quite some time. You cut it for a change and then you grow it out for a change. Those the brokes." And the omnipresent: Person: "Did you do something different with your hair?," Me: "I washed it! [har har]".

4. "Do you need room for cream/sugar?" or "You drink your coffee black?"

Auto-pilot answer: "No thank you, just black ...I'm one of THOSE people" [I'm not even really sure what I mean by that when I say it ...It could be a pre-caffeinated attempt @ chit-chattin' charm]. "I'm a coffee purist," or I break into some long-winded mini-rant about how real coffee drinkers just drink black, making mention of a repeated "just black" run-in @ Dunkin Donuts (Yeah, that story ...You all know it) and I probably sprinkle in a "I'm a coffee snob," here or there.

5. "So you're a vegan?" or "You don't eat any meat?"

Auto-pilot Answer: "Yes but don't worry, I don't have any videos for you to watch or pamphlets for you to read," which is followed by "It's really just for myself, you can eat meat in front of me I won't utter the word 'murder," I just really don't have the taste for meat," and in some half-ditch effort to seem relatable "I was raised in a steak eating family," as though to reassure you that I'm not really from the planet Crouton. Sometimes people will inquire what I do eat and then I spout (not sprout) off about my love for falafel and how I love fiber. Actually, my love for fiber could be a sub-auto-pilot answer to this question -Which ends with "Orange Metamucil tastes like flat orange soda -I love it!" [Though, I think my new response will be "I love anything red!]

6. "So what kind of music do you like?," "What do you listen to?" or "What kind of music are you into?"

Auto-pilot Answer: [blank stare]

The Dawning of the Ridiculous: Last Night I Didn't Get To Sleep Enough

This could be completely ridiculous or completely spot on ...Truth is, I'm tired. I have a day job and in turn my feet hurt (and I'm left with the feeling of accomplishment of a job well done ...Which I add only as an attempt to not seem like some ungrateful day-jobber). I've spent my day sounding like a Lorca poem:

"At 6:30, in the morning ...I awoke.
I woke up and it was 6:30, in the morning.
It was morning, 6:30, I woke up.
I've been awake since the time I woke up ...6:30 ...in the morning"

And that is why I'm writing ...Not about work, mind you but something of equal importance (gracious bonus points: though it's hard to top the feeling of accomplishment I feel when it comes to a job well done) ...No, no.

The 5th Dimension. You know, "Age of Aquarius," "Good Morning Starshine" and of course the uplifting little ditty "One Less Bell To Answer". Still with me? Good (gracious bonus points: thanks).

I live in a strict NPR-zone ...I wake up (You know, at 6:30 ...in the morning) and flip on the radio ...I boil water for coffee during Eight-Forty Eight and then sit down to my usual newsy-tidbit websites while the BBC Hour takes the air, shower before Fresh Air comes on and then it's out the door by World View or Talk of the Nation.

However, in between it's another story ...Especially at work, for whatever reason regardles of reception I just can't concentrate on NPR while working ...So, in turn, 94.7 Oldies it is!

Anyone who knows me (beyond my defused pale mirrored complexion or my love for the color orange) knows that when I'm feeling a bit low, a touch mellow or could use an artial flutter (sans heart disease), just turn on the local oldies station. Give me Diana Ross and the Supremes, for pete'ssake let me have some Motown (preferably of the Hittsville USA-era, before Mr. Gordy let it all go Universal).

[I'll get back to the 5th Dimesion quintet that originally sparked this semi-coherent "post new blog," in a moment]

Quick sidenote: Today, on Oldies 94.7 the theme was songs w/ female names, honoring women or including the words "Mom," "Mother" and/or "Mama/Momma" ...Which sure, made sense being Mothers' Day and all ...So imagine my surprise at the near on the hour play of "Devil Woman," throughout the day.

Ok, the 5th Dimension ...Have you ever really paid any attention to their lyrics? Namely the lyrics for "(Last Night) I Didn't Get Any Sleep At All"? Ok, I've lost you but I'm determined to see this through (and I've been awake since ...6:3 -Oo nevermind). A quick run through:

"Last night I didn't get to sleep at all, no no/ I laid awake and watched as the morning light washed away the darkness of the lonely night"

So he/she can't sleep, nifty little riff on "watched" and "washed" ...But then:

"Oh, last night, I didn't get to sleep at all, no no/ The sleepin' pills I took were just a waste of time"

C'mon now. Sleepin' pills? What?

And that folks is just the sort of anti-climatic result to a lukewarm spark of amusement, left to simmer throughout the day when you wake up ...at 6:30 ...in the morning. That's all I have and now I must post this out of sheer stubborness for spending the past 30 or so minutes in the glare of my computer, rambling about some quasi-one hit wonder super group that did an awful cover of the Beatles' "Ticket To Ride" before slipping into the post-"dawn of the Aquarius" abyss.

In a grab-a-bucket-attempt to save this sinking post, I'll make a quick mention of my Mothers' Day:



I've tried to call my Mother 6+ times today to wish her a "Happy Mothers' Day" and let her know that I did indeed get her a card and it will undoubtfully be addressed, complete w/ stamp and en route to her mailbox within the next couple of days.

Ring, ring, ring ...Supposedly her answering machine is broken so I couldn't leave a heartfelt, thoughtful message ...But I will say this, I have quite the Mother. She's been my biggest fan from day one and has faught many a battles for me when I myself couldn't and I'm sure both her and her caller ID are well aware of just how grateful I am for all that she has been, all that she is and all that she continues to be.

Earlier today:

Front Desk Guy: "Today is Mothers' Day!"
Me: "Yes it is ...I'm about to call my Mother right now."
Front Desk Guy: "Your hair is long."
Me: "Yes it is."

Sidenote: Before posting, I did an album search on the Diana Ross + the Supremes collection that I am in fact listening to @ the moment of this post. I came across this:

"Diana Ross + The Supremes: #1s (Eco-Friendly Packaging)"

...Ain't no mountain high enough, Mother Earth.

"Jordyn, You Are An Excellent Titler": Compliments As Titles

Yes, it's been a while. Two weeks, at least -Oo my!

The remnants of my seasonal sinus-cold are all but the occasional cough.

I spent a week with my vocal cords on the "Chewbacca/Bea Arthur" setting and had to overcome my longtime fear of blowing my nose in public (which goes all the way back to grade school. I was often put off by classmates who shared their congestion with the class and my voyeuristic teachers always put the box of Kleenex in the front by the pencil sharpener. Maybe my usage of "voyeuristic" is unjust but it won out over my next option: sadistic. And maybe I'm a bit bitter that I can't blame this wandering sentence on the Dayquil I'm no longer taking, hmph).

I even broke down and purchased a mini pack of tissues, popular with grandmothers, the world over. Actually, I'm half tempted to keep a mini pack of tissues in my bag (hear me out). They're the perfect prop for days when you just didn't get enough sleep, maybe you were a bit rushed on your way out the door and simply not looking your best ...Just pull out a tissue and mock a muffled cough and suddenly "Wow, that girl looks like hell," turns into "Aww, she's sick. Poor girl, I bet she looks spectacular and is the picture of health, otherwise ". I found myself doing this very exact act, if you will, while out in public. Sure, I was technically sick but I felt the need to make it more obvious to the googley-eyed public, as I awaited an inbound train. I'm giving you pearls, here. That day when you just can't be bothered to shower: mini tissues. Try it. That one's free.

What I'm trying to get at is my introduction to Throat Coat tea, from Traditional Medicinals. Amazing! Licorce root, marshmallow root, safe, calendula flower, cinnamon/orange/cherry bark, you get the picture. Probably the best thing about my week of congestion.

Ever the savvy shopper, I opted to pick up the "Throat Coat for Kids," at my local grocer. 18 bags opposed to the standard Throat Coat (minus kids) 16 bags, for half the price. The kicker? Throat Coat for Kids' spokes ...animal, Gigi the Giraffe. Each bag comes with a nifty "giraffe fun fact" and a mini-comic about the sore throat adventures of Gigi the Giraffe and her friend Tea-ger the Tiger, who as the story goes is actually the tea pusher and knows "all about special plants" and "goes to his garden to pick these special herbs for Organic Throat Coat tea."

"Tea-ger knows how to make the tea taste good too, so, just like you Gigi loves her Organic Throat Coat tea." Personally, I suspect Tea-ger's real name is something like Harold or Daryl. After an ill-fated music career, billed as Harold Rocket or Daryl Sixx, he spent some time in rehab, where he learned the fine art of gardening and more than likely befriended this Gigi the Giraffe character -who now has chronic throat issues due to her years spent free-basing glue (which stems from a longtime hatred towards horses).

[your cue] "Hey Jordyn, you're putting way too much thought into this ...Wrap it up!"

I'm getting the red light so I'll end this posting with a "giraffe fun fact," brought to you by Gigi, Tea-ger and the fine folks of Traditional Medicinals:



Inspired to find out more about giraffes? Check out: Random Giraffe Facts