Stuart Kills Bugs: A Love Story
[10AM, outside of my apartment's door, hallway ...I was running across the street for coffee before getting ready for work]
Me: [locking door]
Billy Preston Exterminator: [down the hallway, spray tank in hand] "I'm in love!"
Me: "Good morning!"
BPE: "I'm in love, I'm in love! I ...am ...in ....LOVE!"
Me: " ...Congrats! ...??"
BPE: "Yeah, but you haven't asked me with who?"
Me: " ...Who?"
BPE: [points @ me] "You!"
Me: "Aww"
BPE: "I'm in love, I'm in loooove! Mmm mmm mmm, damn!"
Me: [walking towards elevator] "I can't handle all this love before my coffee! Have a great day!"
BPE: "Ooo, I will now. My great day started the moment I saw you!"
Me: [elevator!]
[10 mins. later, returning w/ coffee in hand ...Meredith (front desk) and BPE, let me in)
BPE: "Look at her! I love that girl! But break my heart, she only got one cup of coffee!"
Meredith: [laughing/eye rolling]
_______________
By the way, my Billy Preston Exterminator's real name is [drumroll]: STUART!
Org. Post: Thursday, June 21, 2007
The World Is Full Of Quacks: I'm Moving
For those of you who don't know ...I'm moving. No, no not from Chicago ...A new apartment.
I fear the time has come for me to part ways with the address I've had for the past 5 yrs. That's right, the reigning (bum-appointed) "Princess of Granville," is stepping down.
For the past week or so I've been meaning to write a lovely, heartfelt and dare I say awe-inspiring (cue "Chariots of Fire") farewell piece ...Something to signify the end of this chapter in my life and the beginning of the next. I thought of when I first moved here ...My first shoebox studio ("You mean to tell me that the kitchen is in the wall!?") or when I moved up a few floors to my first 1 bedroom ("Wait, I have a kitchen!?"). The additions along the way (Lola had to move over for Primo who had to move over for Princess Milo ...And how unbeknownst to them they will all be moving over again for Alton Brown) ...The people, the sounds, the days when I could tell the time according to the streetlights, the smell of coffee wafting in from the coffee shop across the street. My corner store (Buying something for $7? "That will be seven hundred") , my Winnie (checkout lady @ the grocery), my CTA Don Juan, my Conchita @ the Currency Exchange, my Meredith @ the front desk (who turned pale and welled up with tears when I finally broke it to her I was leaving), my Billy Preston Exterminator aka Stuart (who broke up with me when he found out I was moving ...I think he was just hiding his pain), my Regina @ CVS ...All of the characters that played a role in my life for the past 5 yrs.
I wanted to write something to signify that this era is closing ...But then a duck came into my life and such cepia-washed memories were sent to the scrappings.
A duck?! What!?
Let me tell you a little something about "departure" letters ...I've never seen one but from what I gather they are generally (or rather allegedly) given to tenants who are moving out. I hear that they are three pages long and chock-full of useful information like: We're going to show your apartment to prospective renters, your apartment will be replastered before you move, you must vacate the premises by Noon on June 30th.
Since I never recieved such a letter, I was completely unaware of the above ...So please take a moment to imagine my shock when I found out that:
A. My apartment had been showed (or as it was put "Your cats showed very well")
B. My apartment has already been rented
C. That the "plaster guys" are coming to replaster tomorrow (I believe it went something like this: "You mean all of my stuff will be covered with plaster?" Reply? "Yes")
D. That I indeed must be moved out by Noon -next Saturday.
Needless to say I wasn't all that happy.
Earlier today, shortly before leaving for work, I opted to meet with the operations manager of my building and ask if we could possibly reschedule this replastering business closer to my actual move-out day. Surprisingly that was ok ...I then pressed about this supposed "departure" letter and somehow/someway the person who was in charge of sending me such notification was completely clueless that I was even moving out. Which I take as a safe assumption that I'm not going crazy (I rifled through every scrap of paper I have in an attempt to find such a letter ...I found nothing) and that I indeed never received such.
That's when my operations manager reached behind his desk and handed me a duck ...I'm serious. A yellow plush duck.
Operations Manager: "Here you can have the duck as an apology for the whole letter mix up"
Me: "Thanks?"
I then took said duck in the palm of my hand and exited the office with a puzzled look and my mouth slightly agape ...I stepped into the elevator towards my floor, the whole walking up the hallway is a bit of a blur but somehow I found myself sitting @ my desk, starring @ this duck ...And thinking: A duck, I live here for 5 yrs. and I get a duck. You come into my apartment without notifying me of your comings or goings with my cats, with my stuff ...You bring strangers into my apartment who probably were petting my cats and looking at my stuff ...You nonchalantly tell me that the "plasters guys" will be coming over regardless if I am home or not ...You tell me that I must be moved out of my apartment by Noon on the 30th -the very day that the woman who lives in my new apartment is moving out and that the only freight elevator time slot open is 8AM ...You go against a handful of renters' rights and then ...THEN ...You hand me a duck.
I honestly couldn't make this stuff up if I tried.
So goodbye Granville, goodbye building ...I'm taking Mr. Quack and I'm leaving ...And if by chance the name of said building every comes up in conversation or I overhear someone wondering "Oo I was thinking of calling up [insert my building's name] for a showing," I will casually say: "Let me tell you about my duck ... "
Org. Post: Monday, July 30, 2007
Release Your Frown: Have You Seen Me Lately?
Greetings!
Gee, it's been awhile ...You look great! Did you lose some weight? Is that a new fedora?
Me? Oo, I'm good ...Doing a-ok. I'm a bit pressed for time but I thought I'd type a quick update. I'm such a lapsed-blogger. I fully intend on updating more often and more along the lines of my former entries ...But time, Oo time, I'm pressed.
Apartment? Love it!
My move? Please place finger to lips (sideways), move up and down.
Alton? (new cat) He's great ...Big webbed bunny feet and I think he's part platypus (I'm awaiting test results).
I hope to post photos soon. Ooo the stories I've collected over the past month.
Until then ...
Org. Post: Friday, August 31, 2007
A Soft Semi-Return
[Open with present-day]
I wrote the following, last night (Thursday) …In hopes of posting today @ a nearby coffee shop (Oo wireless, you had me @ free). So here I am @ that nearby coffee shop. There's a somewhat medieval sign next to my head that reads "Stone Soup," hmm …I'm not really sure what to think of that but then again such things are probably best without much thought. Which brings me to what I originally wrote, last night -Ha! Take that self! …I started out explaining my move, 2 mths ago …But now in the light of day, coffee coursing throughout my veins …I've decided to switch things up a bit and end with the torrid tale that has become known as my move. I figured this would work best for those who might find themselves thinking "I thought she was done telling this story …". So instead, I'll flip things around and start w/ the end and end with the beginning. Ready?
[Thursday night]
Well, lookie me -I'm on your screen! Hi. It's me, again. What's it been …2 mths? I came back as soon as I could. I apologize for such blatant tardiness.
I'm actually typing this late Thursday night -A few minutes shy of Friday. After I caught myself contemplating such things as just how many threads make up my kitchen rug and/or the process of water purification through osmosis (the diffusion of a solvent through a semipermeable membrane from a dilute to a more concentrated solution. Thanks Webster). Plus, I thought it best that I save my Dictionary of Mathematic Terms for a later (rainier) day …I thought I'd check out if MS Word still holds that certain kind of charm that used to amuse me so.
Ah, the begrudgingly tedious chore that is updating …Take no offense, it's not you …I've been living with such an update looming about my brain for 2 mths now …Where to begin. Those of you who have been in contact with me over the past couple of months (which I affectionately refer to as "shit storm" or the appended "It was the worst of times …It was the best of times …For optimism's sake, the latter) feel free to take a trip down memory lane with me …For those who I've lost contact with along the way, you look taller, you look thinner -Oo who am I kidding, you're fabulous and I hope you enjoy. (Did I mention it's almost Midnight?)
[Cut to the original end]
Things have been good. Busy, hectic, a downplay of stress but good nonetheless. I'm in love with my apartment and if it wasn't for all the black + blue, I'd still be pinching myself every morning since my move @ the thought that this is actually my apartment. I get to wake up here everyday …It's the apartment I wished I had moved into 5 yrs ago but that I can in turn can now appreciate to the fullest having lived elsewhere.
Aside from the various new sights, sounds and surroundings in my life …There's also been a new addition to my feline population. A week after my move, Alton Brown (the cat) came home …With his alien-good looks, bunny-sized feet and complete lack of coordination …Alton has become one of the brood and has aided in my ongoing fear of becoming a cat lady …You know the type. Trust me, I'm fighting it tooth and nail …Alton's the limit, my cut off point. I like him, he's sort of in love with me -It works. In my defense, with Lola's anti-social personality, I really only have three cats. Then again, with Primo's incessant need for attention and validation, he's like having 2 cats …So maybe I really have 5 cats -Crap.
I made full-time @ work, finally and now with my commute literally 1 minute away and the added bonus of having lunch @ home …It's working out alright. Though what job is without an amount of stress? No really, I'm asking …A mime, perhaps? That person who turns the crank @ a bingo parlor? Vanna White? (Yes, I'm reaching).
I'll be copy/pasting this later on this morning/afternoon from a nearby coffee shop that offers free wireless …Much like the local library but with coffee. You see my point? (Coffee).
My birthday is this Saturday ..In turn, my Father surprised me with a laptop. It really was a surprise given that my Father and I speak 3x a year and we haven't seen each other in 2. I'm beyond thankful and this document has been keeping me company as I upload my complete iTunes library off of my back-up cds …Tedious, yes.
This will be my first actual saved document on my yet unnamed laptop (Actually, I think I inadvertently named it Amanda Jordyn's Computer …Ah, the vanity).
In a few months time I'm hoping to have internet within my apartment …So until then, I'll be hopping on the caffeinated free wireless bandwagon …A craze that has fortunately hit my neighborhood full fledged.
I'm on back-up disc 28 out 30 and I only backed up to the T section …Which means the rest I'll have to pull off of my old computer (which is another story within itself) with my gig stick …Yes, gig stick. Try saying that casually.
Maybe I'll stop after 28, tonight …And reread this with coffee @ hand, come morning …And completely throw it to scrap and rewrite something more up-tempo and full of pep.
[Cut to the original beginning]
My move …The best way to describe my move on July 1st would be if you placed your finger to your lips (go ahead) and in a fast-paced motion moved said finger up + down. Nuts. Then again, does moving spare anyone? A quick rundown (because Lord knows I've had to tell this story countless of times) …My dear friends Lisa + Paul enlisted themselves to help me move (In my defense, I had helped them with their own move back in April) …I spent the eve of my move sorting through nearly 5 yrs of life, pulling a one nighter as I slowly debated the perks of stealing a shopping cart and wandering aimlessly throughout the downtown area, asking strangers if they know the alternative name for a one humped camel? (Answer: dromedary …you're welcome). Morning soon arrived, Lisa + I met up @ the train stop and later a bus towards the UHAUL garage …Patting one another on the back as we sipped our coffee, so on top of things …Sun streaming across our beaming faces, time on our side (this is the good part of the story, let me enjoy it). We picked up our UHAUL, which we affectionately christened "Peppy" and we were on our way. We stoped by my new apartment, met up with the former tenant as she bid her own farewell, picked up my new set of keys and then stopped off to pick up Lisa's husband Paul …Soon we were @ my old apartment ("Ground Zero," if you will) …I ran upstairs (by way of elevator) and started sorting just how to go about all of this. A handful of minutes later, Lisa came walking up the hallway …Face reddening, eyes slightly glassy:
Me: "What's wrong, sweet pea?"
Lisa: "The ..truck won't start"
Me: "Oh! Well that's ok!"
(Later on, Lisa would admit to me that she wasn't sure I heard her correctly seeing as I took such news a bit too well. The truth is, it was within that moment that I "went away" and pure adrenaline is to blame for the rest of the day …I just kept thinking "Hey, it's not rainy! Do you know the alternative name for a one humped camel?").
My former building ("The building of which we will not speak of …ever …again) works on an elevator-time rental and my minutes were ticking away. I continued to pack, while Lisa haggled with the UHAUL customer service. They couldn't rent us a new truck so instead they got the brainiac scheme to pack the broken down "Peppy" and then they'd had a tow truck to tow it to my new apartment. Tick-tock, we were growing desperate. Even more so by the group of maintence men that were lined up outside of my (opened) apartment door, awaiting my vacation to start revamping the place. There was the carpet guy, who had himself a seat across the hall …Watching me furiously running about, throwing things into boxes, into bags ..sipping his coffee and offering priceless advice, such as:
Carpet Guy: "You should have moved the cats first …"
Me: "I'm a vet assistant, sir"
Carpet Guy: "Is that so?
Me: "That is so …sir"
A slew of hijinks ensued:
-Did I mention that my building manager wanted me out by Noon? I had the elevator from 10AM-Noon. Though by law I until Midnight to move out. The law meant very little to these people and I was determined to get out. The UHAUL breakdown threw a wrench into our plans and well, that meant very little to these people too. (Again, I'm refering to the guy who gave me that stuffed duck …Remember that? Yeah, that kooky guy. A real chuckle.
-Duck-Man found his way in the midst of my nightmare and said:
Duck-Man: "Amanda, your elevator time is almost up and well …those stairs are going to be hard."
Me: "Ah yea, I'm getting out."
-At one point the building stopped the elevator with Paul still in it …To which Lisa had to rundown to the front desk and demand they turn it back on.
-Every time I left my place to move things down to the truck, I was convinced that the maintence vultures outside of my door were going to go in. My three cats were still in the apartment -horrified.
-Danger Mike finally showed up and proved to be not only a bonus vehicle and some much needed comic relief but an overall kick in the rear that we all needed.
Hours later, we finally cleared out my apartment …I stopped by Duck-Man's office to drop off my old set of keys and sign out my lease. I stepped into his office and immediately noticed something quite familiar. I sat down across from his desk in a chair that my ex and I had thrown out well over a year ago. Lovely. I gave him the keys and signed my name on the dotted line.
Duck-Man: "Amanda, see that jar of candy over there …on the bookshelf? That's for you! (complete with pointing @ me).
I was a bit numb @ this point so I grabbed the candy and walked out of a building I had lived in for nearly 5 yrs., my first in Chicago. Needless to say, I wasn't in much of a sentimental mood.
Paul + Danger Mike awaited the tow truck to show up. Lisa + I packed up my cats a few odds n ends that would fit in her hatchback and headed off to my new place. We park out front and start getting things around. Lola was near comatose. She really had me worried …She was actually handable which immediately gave cause for alarm. Pupils dilated, drooling on herself and refusing to unfold from a somewhat fetal position. Primo was ok, panting but ok. Princess Milo didn't really realized we moved until @ least the beginning of August.
I reached into my bag and felt for my keys. I'll save any suspense and just tell you that my new keys weren't there. In fact, they weren't anywhere and to this day have yet to show themselves. Panic: Phase II soon followed. Bags were rifled through, calls were made, steps were retraced. Nothing. I've never truly lost my keys, we were always close and on decent terms …so image my shock. I called my building manager (who does not live on-site ) and he promised keys the following Monday (I moved on a Saturday) and that he could have someone let me into the main doors but I'd have to keep everything unlocked until Monday …And Oo yes, each key (3 in total, including the mail key) would cost me almost $100. Great.
We started moving things in …A couple of sweaty hours later (and not in any sexy and/or refreshed way), I was in my new apartment. Oo, almost forgot, my new place is without AC and mid-move I busted a couple of blades off of my ceiling fan, rendering it useless (a Home Depot trip the next day would fix this problem) …But I was in. I thanked Danger Mike + he was off. Starving, Paul, Lisa + I were debating where to eat. We thought about Thai but then Lisa pointed out:
Lisa: "Wait, let's go to the Chinese place …They have wine."
Good point. Chinese it was …and due to the day's events one of the best meals I've ever had.
Within a few days time (and due to my nature) I was unpacked …And that's where the story should start. But …I should mention Panic: Phase III. The next night, intent on washing everything I own, I was running downstairs to the basement laundry room @ 2AM to switch a load of wash into the dryer …I heard the click of my apartment door behind me. Locked. No keys. I had had enough sense and forethought to slip my cellphone into my pocket …With trembling hands I dialed Dave and unfortunately woke him up. A trip from Dave and a locksmith later, I was back in my apartment by 330AM.
And to think there are screenwriters galore throughout L.A. and Tim Allen's wavering career, both of which could benefit from such a tale.
So that's that. Now you know and we're on the same page. Excuse me for a moment, I've forgotten my mantra.
Ah ok. And I'm back.
[Cut to present-day]
So there you have it. Sure, I'm a bit rusty …Not to mention I miss the days where I could smoke inside of a café. I actually forgot my gig stick and therefore my newest photos will have to wait. I've been snapping photos here + there …I have a whole new slew of photos to add to my "Amanda Jordyn Reading/Look @ her big hair over the cover" series. ("You buy too many books") …Plus, photos of my apartment + Alton.
Being sans internet I read alot or rather make half-ditch efforts to do so ...I'm in the midst of 10 books @ the moment (and growing), a lot of NPR listening, a lot of cassettes (yes, cassettes), seeing more friends on a more timely basis ...Not to mention attempts @ writing in an actual notebook and my continued jotting of notes throughout my day. I cook more often and every pay-day I treat myself to a trip to my favorite thrift store (hence my growing book collection).
I've missed writing ...I promise it'll get better.
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