Einstein On Parade: Q. Chicken or Egg? A. Who cares!? What’s Zach Braff up to?
If you've read over my "blog" throughout the past year or so ...Then you know that my inspirations vary from time to time, subject to subject. Your general ebb and flow of day to day occurrences, characters and random (yet dare I say vital and/or relevant) ...Oo so relevant) observations.
What is one to do without internet?
My two month "blackout" of sorts by no means trumped the year of 2003. Also known as the "Great Hard-Drive Meltdown of '03" ...But regardless drove me to the point of insanity. Ok, so that's a bit melodramatic. Nuts? Bananas? Pluots? Pen to paper is fine. Typewriters still have their place. Let's be honest, though ...Doogie was onto something years ago.
What I'm trying to get to is this: When you're without the internet and have writer's block, feeling a bit low and at a loss ...You should read Parade Magazine. You know Parade, it can usually be found in the "meat" of your local Sunday newspaper. It's a hair shy of a tabloid (which to some is the news ...I'm not pointing (my Mother) fingers @ anyone). It's a real mood lifter (if not a bit of a brow furrower) and serves as a prime example that there's always a soul or two a bit worse-off than your own.
I've been known to treat myself here and there to a Sunday Chicago Tribune or perhaps the New York Times ...The Sunday Tribune is usually available on Saturdays ...Since I work on Sundays, I'll nab a Sunday copy on Saturday and live out my Norm Rockwell-inspired Sunday newspaper/coffee moment. Which ultimately throws me off and come Sunday I'm thinking it's Monday. Anyway, I'm being wordy.
So there I was, rifling through the meat of the Sunday Tribune, on a Saturday ...Coffee at hand, cigarette in tow ..."Ah, Parade ...Why not?" ...One page into this slim read ...Let the good feels and back-pats commence!
There I was hmming + hawing about my ebb + flow being disrupted and the inevitable "grand update" looming before I felt just in writing anything and somewhere someone is going about their day and then they're struck with some of life's greatest crossroads: "Do you think Tiger Woods named his daughter Sam because he was hoping for a boy?"
[The following is a fictional dramatization aside from the end, brought to you by an actual Parade reader]
Charles: "Hi Bob, how are things today? Can you believe the story about that guy who just passed away from inhaling the fumes from his bag of microwaved popcorn?"
Bob: [silence/staring off into space]
Charles: "Ah, Bob? Hey ho, Earth to Bobby!"
Bob: "Ooo sorry, Charles ...I was just thinking ...What explains Mandy Moore's failed relationships with so many guys—actors Zach Braff and Wilmer Valderrama, tennis ace Andy Roddick and disc jockey DJ AM?"
Here are just a few more examples:
"Q. As a fan of The Closer, I was distracted by Kyra Sedgwick's clownish red lipstick. I wrote to the show to complain—and, sure enough, she changed shades. Did viewers have a hand in that?
—Phyllis, New Jersey"
"Q. One of our favorite actors is Ernest Borgnine. What's he up to these days?
—Jerry and Linda, New Mexico"
"Q. Now that he has a hit sitcom, According to Jim, does Jim Belushi finally feel free of his late brother John's shadow?
—Kristin, New Jersey
"Q. I recently looked up Sylvester Stallone on the Internet and noticed that two of his daughters have the middle name Rose. Why?
—Stephanie, California"
"Q. A night at the movies rides on this bet: I say that Tony Blair is the longest-serving prime minister in British history. My brother-in-law says, "No way." Who wins?
—Dee, Rhode Island"
"Q. What has happened to the Rev. Robert Schuller Sr.? Why doesn't he deliver sermons on Sunday's Hour of Power TV program anymore?
—Susan, North Carolina"
"Q. Whatever happened to the cast of the 1970s series Welcome Back, Kotter?
—Sharon, New Jersey"
Thank you Parade, thank you.
____________________________
I'm at a coffee shop ...While typing the above, it started to rain ...hard. I have one last errand on my day-off agenda: grocery shopping. I thought it best to wait out the rain ...While doing so, a Mother and her two young daughters came into the coffee shop.
Mom: "We're just going to wait out the rain, girls"
Daughter: "Are we eating here?"
Mom: "Oo no! We'll just get a beverage"
Daughter: "What's a bev..beverage?"
[a few moments later]
Mom: "Now don't drink too much apple juice!"
Daughter: "But I wanna!"
Mom: "You normally don't drink juice this late."
...It was 5PM.
I bet she reads Parade ...Actually, I bet she reads the Chicago Tribunes' "Ask Amy" ...As for that, don't get me started.
Org. Post: Saturday, September 08, 2007
Thank You For Letting Me Bend Your Ear
My name is Amanda Jordyn ...Some of you (Yes, you) know me as Amanda, some of you (Yep, still you) know me as Jordyn ...A select few have come up with their own hybrids (AJ, AJ Phelpsy, A to the J, Manders, Manda, Jordy, J-[insert animal +/or currrency] ...Mandy).
Where was I? Ah yes, my name is Amanda Jordyn and I have addiction ...An addiction? Yes and it's spilling throughout my life (well, ok my coffee table, bookshelf, nightstand, bag, etc.) ...I like books. I like books ...a lot. I like books of various genres, various sizes, color, languages and lengths.
A funny thing happened to me on my way to the library, this morning ...Library books in tow, I no sooner made it out of the gate of my apartment building when I found myself smack-dab in the midst of a neighbor's yard sale ...En route to the library, I end up purchasing two books and a double-disc Nina Simone album (For the curious: Raymond Carver's "Where I'm Calling From," a tattered copy of John Updike's "Rabbit, Run" ...The Nina discs? The Tomato Collection, a very tough find). And all for under $5. Plus, while I was @ it I figured I make a new friend because hey, why not?
Treavor lives in the condo building next door and it was his yard sale that I browsed ...Sedaris, Burroughs, an abundance of Bette Midler CDs (And I noticed a few Her Space Holiday CDs ...Sure, why not?). He noticed the Nina Simone discs in my hand:
Treavor: "Oo my God, don't you love her?"
Me: "Yes! I can't believe you're parting with this."
Treavor: "I know, I know ...I had to special order it. Have you seen her live concert film? I saw it at the Gene Siskel Film Centre, last year ...I had to go out and buy it the next day!"
Me: "Oo! Unfortunately, I missed it ...To be honest, I really shouldn't be buying more books ...I'm actually on my way to the library to return a few."
Treavor: "Do you live around here?"
Me: "Yes, actually I live right next door."
Treavor: "Well, you have to borrow my copy of Nina's live concert ...I'll brb right back!"
...And that is how a copy of Nina Simone's "Live at Montreux" found it's way inside of my bag ...Along w/ two more books to stack on my coffee table and 2.5 hours of Nina Simone audio. Sigh. (I then renewed a couple of books at the library and checked out a new one: Lonely Planet's "Farsi Phrasebook" ...Hey, why not?).
I was actually going to write about the eclectic nature of my apartment ...My growing book addiction a large part of such ...But I'll cut to the chase and just show you "the creepy pillow," an amazing find, if I do say so myself (And I do).
And now for some b-sides, if you will ...Some of you have heard these stories, to some they will be new ...Left on the backburner in the midst of my ongoing get-my-barrings-back updating.
Title: "What Have I Done For Brown Today?"
A couple of weeks ago (or maybe it was a week ago ...They all bleed into one another) ...On a Monday (I know that for sure ...Actually, it was two weeks ago, yes), I was awaiting the arrival of a "very important package" (this handy dandy laptop) via UPS. It was supposed to arrive on either Monday +/or Tuesday. Both days I had to work 11AM-7PM. Aside from the flash-in-the-pan chance of catching the UPS man on my half hour lunch break, I feared I'd be playing a game of tag with UPS. (Oo, I live close to work ...I generally go home for lunch). I told my coworkers, that Monday "If the UPS man stops here, come find me. I need to talk w/ him" (My reason being that I wanted to see if I could have my "very important package" delivered at work).
Jump mid-afternoon, my coworker Joan comes downstairs and tells me "The UPS man is here but I had to haggle him to stay ...You better go catch him! He's out by his truck." (Montage: Pull off labcoat, wash hands, dip shoes, run upstairs).
I ran out to meet the UPS man, next to his truck ...There we stood, next to the truck (it's important that you know such a redundant detail) ...I explained to him the situation and he pleasantly (he really was pleasant ...I'm not being sarcastic) explained to me that I just need to write a note w/ my signature and pin it up on my building's door and they will deliver it -Hooray!
UPS Man: "Well, have a nice day" [extends hand]
Me: "You too. Thanks again" [shakes hand]
UPS Man: [Starts to walk by, leans in, sort of ..I swear]
Me: [HUGS UPS man]
I thought he was leaning in for a hug -In hindsight he was leaning to get past the truck ...I ran back into work, went back downstairs to resume feline medicating ...Which I had to stop abruptly for a few minutes of laughter ...Inner thoughts: "Amanda Jordyn, what did you do!? You HUGGED him!? What on Earth made you think he wanted to hug you in the first place!?
Next day: I left a note on my building's buzzer. I came home on my lunch break to not only find that my "very important package" had indeed arrived but that it was actually awaiting me at my apartment's front door. Later that day, at work the UPS man stopped by to make sure I had recieved my package safe + sound.
Let this be a lesson to you ...Hugging can help.
Title: Alton Brown Is Not Spider-Man
My Alton Brown (not to be confused with the Food Network personality but just as profficent when it comes to the genus of oncorhynchus gorbuscha ...er, salmon) ...Well, my Alton is a curious cat (as in odd) and under the assumption that he has Spider-Man like capabilities. A flat wall, void of any ledge or perch? Alton will attempt to jump straight up. What he sees? I haven't a clue.
He's a gangly sort ...Big bunny feet, long limps and ears that hopefully someday he'll grow into. He's also a silent cat ...Strange, I know but I rarely hear him utter even a meow.
Earlier this past week, Alton joined in w/ his siblings, whining for food. "He speaks!" I thought ...Great, so Primo has taught him a thing or two.
Thursday morning, I woke up to Primo, on top of me and Alton whining in the background ...I couldn't see Alton, as I wiped my eyes of sleep and assured both Alton + Primo that I was waking up, that I'd be feeding them soon.
Alton just kept whining + whining ...I sat up in bed, looked out into my living room and there I saw my Alton Brown ...Teetering on the outside window ledge, one foot dangling ...Unable to turn himself around or else he'd fall. Nightgown + all, heart in stomach ...I flew out of bed, across my living room ..."Don't move!" ...I threw open the window, grabbed him and pulled him back inside.
I then inspected my window's screen, which unbeknownist to me had had a tiny slit on the far upper right-hand side ...A slit that I assume Alton elborated upon and found his way out on the ledge. I generally keep the window, in the living, opened a couple of inches before I go bed ...I'm assuming Alton worked his magic with that as well.
After the intial adrenaline wore off ...I took it as a compliment that Alton didn't jump ...Silent, half-bunny and unable to scale walls ...He likes me, he really likes me.
_______________________________________
One last note:
In this week's Chicago Reader, I found a course catalog from Loyola University's Continuing Education program. On a whim, I leafed through it ...Head shaking, my sighs supressed ...I came across this:
[Writing + Communication Section]
"The Blogosphere + You:
Websites, blogs, podcasts and many other innovations have changed traditional media and opened up new channels for creativity and participation. Learn how to read the trends and make sense of the techno-jargon and buzzwords as you prepare to build your own blog!"
...Toss in their "Interpreting St. Paul's First Letter to the Corinthians" and you'll be on your way! If that doesn't work, they also offer a course entitled "So You Want To Be An Actor".
...And on that (last) note, I added a few new pictures to my "blogosphere".
Org. Post: Saturday, September 15, 2007
Turn It On: 1-800-FRENCH BREAD
Last night, I made a stop @ my local grocery (a sale on oatmeal -Oo my!) ...I stood in line behind a couple that might have been crazier about oatmeal than myself. Finally, I made it to the cashier. I paid for my goods and the cashier handed me my receipt:
Cashier: "Here's your receipt, Ms. Phelps ...[points to a 1-800 number printed on the receipt] ...And here is a 1-800 number you can call to take a short survey. If you complete the survey you win a free loaf of Jewel french bread!"
Amazing. I placed the receipt in my pocketbook and took my oatmeal home. I had a date with a steaming bowl of apples + cinnamon, in front of "Fire Walk With Me" (It's been an odd week ...So odd in fact that Lynch is making sense).
I woke up this morning, found my way into the kitchen ...4 pairs of eyes eagerly watching my every move ...Soon those eyes were nose deep in oceanfish + tuna (Mmm ...What exactly is oceanfish?]. Before long, I, myself was nose deep in a hot cup of coffee and the latest copy of the Chicago Reader (skimming an article about a "diverse" group of people who had their way with the closets of up and coming designers throughout Chicago ...I found it interesting that this "diverse" group all had a toe-hold within the fashion industry themselves and one man's wallet cost $180 ...The wallet wasn't pictured so I figured it was in his pocket]. "Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me" was on the radio. My bag was nearby and I need a pen for the Reader's crossword puzzle. Last night's Jewel receipt was sticking out of my pocketbook and I remembered the 1-800 ...I figured "Why not?," so I grabbed my cellphone and dialed up the number. I answered three questions by pressing 5 for "very" and 1 "not very" ...I was then given a code for my free loaf of Jewel french bread and instructions on how to give the code to the cashier during my next shopping trip. Great. That was ...anti-climatic.
________________________________________
This morning's "Sound Opinions" featured the Flaming Lips ...It was the first time in years that my stereo speakers played the Flaming Lips and I was reminded of those many trips out to Denny's with Lexi, so long ago. "Transmissions From The Satellite Heart," was a staple that summer ...Much like the Trivial Pursuit board that we brought along for our hours spent at Denny's.
"She don't use butter/she don't use cheese ...."
Remembering such times reminded me of the city I moved from. The city which I very rarely wax reminiscent about and usually make the distinction that I "moved from" and that I'm not "from" Midland, Michigan.
The nearest Denny's was in Saginaw, Michigan ...About 40 minutes away. Which lent itself to plenty of time for the 43:04 minutes of "Satellite Heart".
Explaining why we would drive the 40 minutes almost nightly for the iridescent glow of a bottomless cup of coffee and the disinterity-inducing Moons Over MyHammy ...Means explaining Midland itself. Something I'm not really apt to do but led me to do a quick Wikipedia search.
"Man, everyone's chewing the apple you've got in your eye ..."
The last census on Midland, Michigan was in 2000 ...Then the population was at 41,685. Lexi and I both moved two years later so that makes the census of 2002, 41, 683 ...at least.
I often refer to Midland as the "home of Dow Chemical," which is true ...Dow Chemical was founded in 1867. Fantastic. Remember that the next time you use Saran wrap ...Much like those that will never forget their limbs lost to napalm, in Vietnam (Oo yeah, Dow was the maker of both napalm + agent orange).
[Note: There was much debate about including that last bit ...I feel so crass. I just thought you should know].
Midland is the sister city of Handa, Aichi Japan ...Who knew?
Midland is 93.38% white, 1.82% African-American and 0.06% Pacific-Islander. 8.8% of which fall below the poverty line (It should be noted that Midland predominantly builds their lower-income housing outside of the city limits).
"You can be my head/because I can't afford a new one ..."
There are 80 parks ...Nestled amongst the numerous attractions in Midland city proper. These attractions include: The Alden B. Dow House, Dow Gardens, Dow Chemical Company (itself), Dow Corning, the Herbert Henry Dow House, the Grace A. Dow Library ...See a theme? How could I not remember the Tridge ...A three-way footbridge, constructed in 1981. Three-way bridge ...Tridge, get it? Fun for the whole family ...And beautiful views of both the Tibbawassee and the Chippawa Rivers ...Both of which cross paths with the Dow Chemical Dam ...Which doesn't need further explanation (three-headed fish ...I'm not saying anything).
I was amused by the list of Midland's "famous," which include: Robert Jarvik (inventor of the Jarvik-7 artificial heart and can now be seen peddling Pfzer's Liptor on TV), Cathy Guisewite (best known for her Cathy comic strip and embittered, 40-some year old women with relationship/work crisis-es everywhere), Earl Warwick (inventor of Silly Putty ...which, upon further research was originally called both "nutty putty" and "potty putty" and served as an attempt to replace rubber in World War II) and Steve Shelley (drummer for Sonic Youth ...Whose parents actually live a couple of blocks from my Mother. I can still recall a super-fan who kept camp on the sidewalk, in front of the Shelley's ...A weathered copy of "Daydream Nation, in hand ...Rain or shine).
All of which brings us back (in no way whatsoever) to Denny's, which brings us back (in no way whatsoever)to the Flaming Lips, which brings us back (in no way whatsoever)to this morning's "Sound Opinions.
"I don't care if it rains or freezes ..."
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My coffee is cold.
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